Welcome to Week 3 of the one and only Tropical Smoothie Fantasy Football League, trademark pending. If there does so happen to be another league by the same name, they really dropped the ball on getting the tsffl.com domain name, but I digress. Yours truly is back again to break down this week's games, and I've been chomping at the bit to talk about an exciting week of fantasy football. I know that it's early, but as far as the standings go, let me do a quick run-down of how things are shaking out:
T-1: Rob (3-0)
T-1: Addisson (3-0)
T-1: Mikey (3-0)
4th: Chris MF Roth (2-1)
T-5: Joe (1-2)
T-5: Jesse (1-2)
T-5: Kira (1-2)
T-5: Koulton (1-2)
T-9: Anthea (0-3)
T-9: Dan (0-3)
I have a few quick thoughts about the rankings so far...
-First of all, congrats to Rob, Addisson and Mickel on their teams' getting off to a hot start. Especially Mikey after a two year hiatus from the TSFFL, nice job so far sir. Just know that I am heating up right now with two wins in a row and am coming for that top spot, starting with my matchup this week against Rob.
-Special shout out to Addisson for trading me Keenan Allen, my receiving corps was really hurting after losing AB to the AB debacle, because he is going to help me get back to the championship game again this year. It hurt me to give up one of my top picks, Kerryon Johnson, to acquire him, but I sincerely hope that my team got better and your team will be hurt by losing Keenan. I've had him the past two years in this league, and he's happy to finally be home again.
- Joseph, it's a crime that you're sitting at 1-2 right now, because you have now lost two games in a row to the top scorer of the week, when you would have beaten anyone else in the league with the amount of points that your team has put up.
- Jesse, I have no clue how your team has even won a single game so far, but congratulations, you did it. You're starting about three guys that most winning teams would have on the bench, but your black magic has come through before to lead you to several wins in a row somehow. You've got some really good players on your team, so "show me what you've got" the next few weeks. (Inside joke of former roommates)
- Kira, I love you dearly, but your team has clearly been underachieving. On paper your team looks solid, but they haven't been able to put it all together from week to week until last week. Nice win against Dan last week, but you need Baker Mayfield to get his shit together to really have chance against the elite teams in the league this year.
- Koulton, stop overthinking your lineups. Somefuckinghow, you left 75.2 points on your bench last week. You have a really solid squad, but you should probably trade me Nick Chubb.
- Anthea, you have a really good team from top to bottom, you could probably just use some luck at this point to get over the hump. You've had a rough start to the season, but your guys will bounce back.
- Dan, what the fuck happened man? Haha. I sat next to you during our draft, and I was seriously worried about your team because you kept choosing the guys that I wanted the pick right before me. Injuries have taken a toll already, starting with our #1 overall pick Saquon Barkley, but I have a feeling that your team will bounce back and realize it's potential.
Alright, let's get to the breakdown of this week's games...
GAME of the week
,Me vs. Joe
Wow, what a fucking game. I had a really long, detailed description of this game, but the computer just decided to randomly delete the last 20 fucking minutes of my life. Moral of the story is, the 4:30 game on Sunday between the New Orleans Saints and the Seattle Seahawks almost sealed my fate, because Joe's WR Tyler Lockett had 26.9 points and his RB Alvin Kamara had 32.6 points. I watched the entirety of that game, and I found myself visibly frustrated with every single possession of the game. Luckily, my newly acquired WR Keenan Allen absolutely killed it with 13 catches for 183 yards and two TDs. I was down in this game by 9.5 points when Monday Night Football started and the only player left to play was my RB2, David Montgomery. The Bears went up early 28-3 and decided to keep throwing the ball to Taylor Gabriel instead of running it, so I thought that I was shit out of luck. However, with about three minutes left in the game, the Bears finally decided to feed Montgomery the football. His 25-yard run with about a minute left in the game earned me a victory over Joe by less than a point in an absolute nail-biter.
Rob vs. Anthea
Anthea's team had a pretty solid outing, but Rob wasn't about to lose to a pregnant woman in this one. Dalvin Cook (22.3) and Julio Jones (22.8) had spectacular games, even though Anthea's squad had Christian McCaffrey score 26.3 points, Aaron Jones with almost 15 points on only 19 rushing yards (but two TDs), and JuJu Smith-Schuster finally having a good game with 15.6 points. Anthea's undoing was her kicker only scoring 4 points and A-A-Ron Rodgers only putting up 13.3. Rob's team chugged along to 3-0, while Anthea's team improved to 0-3. Or something like that...
Addisson vs. Jesse
Addisson's team was on fire in this game, with three of his players scoring over 20 points. Dak Prescott kept rolling for my Dallas Cowboys (22.5 points), Cooper Kupp had 27.6 points on 11 catches for 101 yards and 2 TDs, and 2019 sleeper TE Darren Waller of the Raiders had 13 catches for 134 yards (20.6). Jesse's waiver wire pickup at QB, Russell Wilson, almost beat Addisson's team by himself with an amazing 41.3 points (406 passing yards, two TDs and 51 rushing yards for another two TDs). Adam "More Than A Thielen" chipped in with 19.1 points on two TDs himself and the Chicago Bears had 20 points for Jesse, but Addisson came out of week three with the victory.
Mickel vs. Koulton
The fucking webpage just deleted about another ten minutes worth of my writing about this game, and now I'm beyond heated. I'm quickly losing my will to keep typing at this point, but I've been at it now for over two hours, so I have to finish this. Definitely missing the Microsoft Word autosave feature right about now, but I have learned my lesson about constantly hitting the 'Save' button from now on.
Okay, so I mentioned earlier about Koulton leaving 75.2 points on his bench this week, but I understand his reasoning. The two receivers that he left on his bench, Sterling Shephard (23.6 points) and Marvin Jones Jr (19.1), would have had to replace either Brandin Cooks (16) or T.Y. Hilton. I would have made the same personnel decisions, so I can't blame ya there. He also left Marlon Mack on the bench (15.8) in favor of Nick Chubb (15.1) and Todd Gurley (4.3), but name-recognition wise, I would have made the same choice.
Mikey also left 75.6 points on the bench, with ancient TE Greg Olsen (22.5), WR Mecole Harman (17.4) and QB Kyler Murray (17.8) leading the way. Again, I get his thinking here because nobody in their right mind would have played Hardman over Ohio's finest Michael Thomas (13.9 from THE Ohio State University) and Julian Edelman (15.7 from Kent State).
In the end, the deciding factor was Mickel's squad having five guys score double digits to Koulton's four.
Kira vs. Dan
Dan's freefall continued this week, falling to 0-3 against Kira. He had a huge game from Mike Evans (41 points) and a big game from Lamar Jackson (21.3), but the rest of his team didn't perform very well. If his star RB Saquon Barkley didn't get hurt early in the game, this might have been a different story. Calvin Ridley (1.1), T.J. Hockenson (0.6), and his Philly D/ST (4) didn't do him any favors, and playing RB Joe Mixon (16.4) might have been a good choice. Kira also had terrible outings from Baker Mayfield (9.7), James Conner (5.7), and Vance McDonald (who also got hurt early in his game, 1.5 points), but she had great games from Mark Ingram (33.5) and Amari Cooper (23.8) to earn her first win of the season.
That's it for this week folks but don't fret, I'll be back again in a week's time. Until next time....
Welcome back to Mr. Roth's Ravings for the sophomore campaign of my contribution to the blog in TSFFL.com. Rob already talked about our Week 1 games last week, so today I'm going to break down our Week 2 games in fantasy land and talk a little bit about my 2nd round pick in the draft this year.
Addisson vs. Anthea:
In the battle of the Ziegler household, this ended up being a really close game for the newlyweds. Only one player from each team had big games, and that was Addisson's QB Dak Prescott with 27.7 points and Anthea's RB1 Aaron Jones with 23. Surprisingly, they were the only players in this entire game to score touchdowns. Addisson won the naming rights to his new baby girl, so we are all excited to welcome Addissonia Ziegler Jr sometime in the near future.
Rob vs. Joe:
In this matchup of Roberto and his son-in-law Gase Ventura: Pet Detective, Rob was able to pull out the W on an all-around solid performance by his squad. Joe's team literally would have beaten anyone else in the league this week, but he got the unlucky draw of playing his Poppa. A monster game from Patrick Mahomes (443 passing yards and 4 TDs= 31.6 fantasy points) wasn't enough to topple Draft Punk, even when Rob unfathomably left his Patriots D/ST (35 fucking points) sitting on the bench against the Dolphins. Huge games from Dalvin Cook (26.6) and Julio Jones (25.1) were just too much for young Joseph in Week Two, but he will eventually win the war when he puts Rob in a nursing home in a few years.
Koulton vs. Jesse:
First off, I'd like to welcome one of my best friends to our awesome fantasy football league this season. Koulton, I hope you enjoy the league and the shenanigans that come along with it. With that said, I hope your team loses every game this year so that this dick trophy will finally be out of my house when the season concludes. Kira's curse is bringing me bad some bad juju already, and it's only Week Two. I need someone else to get that shit out of my home, and it damn sure isn't going to be me.
Jesse's team had a horrible go of it this week, and he's probably regretting leaving Emmanuel Sanders on his bench this week (23.3 points.) Zoltan's squad was buoyed this week by 6 of his nine players scoring in double digits, four of which scored higher than Jesse's QB Deshaun Watson (12.9 points). Jesse gets his shot at redemption against Koulton in Week 11.
Mikey vs. Kira:
After beating me in Week One, I really wanted to see Mickel take an L in this one but alas, his team chugged along to 2-0 to start the season. Kira couldn't catch a break in this one, as her starting tight end and flex player both came out of the weekend with giant goose eggs, negating a huge Monday Night Football performance from OBJ (25.1 points). Mick's team got a nice performance from young up-and-coming QB Thomas Brady, who had 24.7 points against the worst fucking NFL squad that has ever stepped foot on the gridiron. The Miami Dolphins are not even good enough to play football in the SEC in college football, so make sure that you get any players that you possibly can to play against them each week. Good game Mickel, next up on the docket is a matchup with Koulton in Week Three.
Me vs. Dan
After losing to Mikey in Week One, I was able to get my first win of the season against Dan this week. Lamar Jackson (30.9) and Saquan Barkley (21) almost single-handedly fucked my day up, but I got some nice performances from my sleeper pick this year, Chris Godwin (22.1), and my boy Zeke Elliott (19). I had four other guys in double figures, including the one game this year that I will get out of Antonio Brown, who the Patriots made a point to force feed the ball. I was ahead of Dan by 15 points before Monday Night Football, but he still had the Cleveland Browns' D/ST left to play against the injury-ridden Jets' offense. Needless to say, I wasn't too confident about my slim lead, but somehow I still came out of Week Two with a much-needed victory by a margin of only 3 points.
THIS FUCKIN' guy...
Last but not least, I want to talk a little bit about Antonio Buttfucking Brown. When I drafted him with my second pick in this draft, I thought that I was getting a steal at #19 overall considering his talent level. For the last 5 years, he has been the most consistent player in all of fantasy football, so I really thought that he was going to one of the better players on my squad. I looked past the frostbitten feet and helmet issues, knowing full well that most receivers in the NFL are divas, but I never expected this whole saga to turn out like this. The dude managed to get himself off of a mediocre Raiders' offense by acting like a complete fucking head case, even going so far as to threaten his general manager and call him a "cracker," and somehow landed himself in the best possible situation with a chance to win a ring with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick in New England. They even looked past his sexual assault accusations and were still going to feature him in their offense, but then he did the dumbest thing possible. He actually texted one of his accusers (and even tagged his lawyer in the group chat) and started berating her. He went as far to send a picture of her kids in a threatening manner. Did this fucking idiot not stop to think for even a split second that this text message exchange wasn't going to come to light? The Patriots finally had enough and cut ties with him, which is saying a lot because they are known to take on guys with character concerns as long as they can play football. This morning, he started talking shit about Robert Kraft's role in the rub and tug parlor, further proving that he is a complete moron who will most likely never step foot on an NFL field if he doesn't immediately shut down his social media presence and keep his fucking mouth shut. It's a shame really, such a waste of talent. I officially dropped him today, so anyone is free to pick him up on the waiver wire if they want to deal with the headache that I have over the past month or so.
ONE last thing...
In the past two weeks, I've become a big fan of Jaguars new starting quarterback Gardner Minshew II. The fact that his father is also named Gardner Minshew is hilarious because it's a pretty ridiculous name, but the dude can sling the football and his swagger is out of this world. His porn stache and fashion choices are hilarious, it takes a man with massive cojones to look and dress like that. After wearing his 70's style suit on the team plane last week, he was at his alma mater's University of Houston-Tulane game last night wearing a headband and jorts. This dude is THE MAN. I have a feeling that he's the future in Jacksonville after Big Dick Nick Foles comes back from injury and proves that he's nothing more than a very good backup.
Good luck in Week Three, ya fucking jabronies. I wish all of you terrible luck and hope that all of your players get mono from kissing Sam Darnold. Until next week...
It is indeed that time once again, ladies and gentlemen... Personally, it is my favorite part of the entire calendar year. Born and raised in northeast Ohio, home of the NFL Hall of Fame, the four seasons distinguished the different months, holidays, etc. As much as I loved scraping ice off of my windshield every morning during the winters, I moved to Naples about 7 years ago. Here in southwest Florida, we only have three seasons. Hot As Fuck, A Slight Breeze But Still Hot As Fuck, and Fantasy Football Season somewhere in-between. My favorite season is the latter, because the TSFFL has been a holiday to me every year. Tomorrow, Sunday the 2nd of September, we are about to embark on our fifth season in this league. If that doesn't mean much to you, you're probably in the wrong place and your team will most certainly get stomped into the ground and you will be publicly embarrassed by your elders this year. I will see all of you early tomorrow afternoon, I'll be the handsome red-haired gentleman with the championship ring on his hand at Hooter's, you can't miss me. I can't wait to see all of you got damn degenerates tomorrow for our annual draft, good luck to all of you and keep a look out for my season preview afterwards.
P.S. You all suck and you know it. But don't worry, I'm a classy broad and will do you the common courtesy of lubing up before I formally fornicate you without consent each and every week of our fantasy football season.
The author of this section of the world is none other than the very first Ginger-American to finally make it out of the notoriously dangerous, super small town of Brimfield, Ohio. Christopher Edward "Mothafuckin" Roth Jr is an original veteran of the Tropical Smoothie Fantasy Football League that is embarking on the fifth year. He is also a proud owner of a beautiful TSFFL sterling silver look-alike championship ring from 2016. The wise prophet Nostradamus once predicted in the year 700 A.D. that a man by the same name would win the 2018 fantasy football world championship by a wide margin.