Ladies and gentleman, the start of the 2018/2019 season of fantasy football is here. We have waited years and years for another shot at glory, or if you want to get technical, I guess it has only been a little over six months or so. It has certainly felt like much longer than that; watching basketball, baseball, golf, dodgeball on ESPN The Ocho, etc has not been the same. Some of us are hungry for redemption, and I'm especially looking at the females of our clan. Kira and Anthea, we love you ladies and you have put up a hell of a fight in the past few years, it's only a matter of time before we crown our first female champion. Dan and Jesse, we also appreciate you fellas returning to the TSFFL for a second go around.
As we embark on our fifth season, I am proud to say that I am one of just three people in this league to be here for Year #5. Shout out to my fellow original members, Addison and our leader Rob. We've made it this far and will continue to uphold this great tradition that we call the TROPICAL SMOOTHIE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Also, another shout out to the new guy in the league, Joe. Thank you for joining us, and I hope you enjoy yourself. Just be aware, we all talk a lot of shit from week to week, but it's all in good fun. Welcome to the TSFFL, good sir.
Every year, I look forward to this more than anything. We've had a lot of people come and go, but I hope that everyone that is gathered here for this fall is here to stay. I am extremely honored to be the new spokesman for our yearly blog, thank you for trusting in me and my writing skills, Mr. Siebold. I hope that all of you will enjoy my weekly rants and ravings. With that said, let's get down to business.
- I'm going to keep this week brief because I'm a little late to the party. I apologize, but I am finally understanding how to operate this blog, so bear with me. I'm still new to this and am figuring it out as I go, but it will get better as the season marches on.
Chris VS. Addisson: 110.8- 106.2
- Your's truly pulled out the win against Addisson in the first week of the season. I thoroughly enjoyed this W, and hopefully set Mr. Ziegler on a crash course to being the biggest loser this season. It was a close game, and he put up a good fight with his highest scorers beings Melvin Gordon with 23.1, the corpse of Jordan Reed coming to life and scoring 12.8, his Rams defense scoring 15 and his kicker Justin Tucker scoring 12. I ended up winning because my boy Zeke scored 16.1, my RB2 Jordan Howard scored 13.2, and my receivers Keenan Allen and Michael Thomas combined for 50.8 points. Better luck next week sir.
Rob VS. Anthea: 159.9- 111.1
- Rob absolutely dominated in this one, even though Anthea put up a respectable 111 points. For Rob, his biggest scorers were a surprise outing from Tyrod Taylor with 23.6 points, Todd Gurley at 22.2, James Conner subbing in for the holdout LeVeon Bell with an awesome debut at 31.7, and Tyreke Hill with 38.8! Anthea's biggest contributors were Tom Brady with 21.3, Julio "The Immortal Mexican" Jones with 23, and the Baltimore Ravens defense with 17 points.
Jesse VS. Kira: 126.3- 89.2
- In a battle between my former roommate and my girlfriend, Jesse emerged victorious. Kira put up a hell of a fight, as her QB Kirk Cousins scored 20.4 points, RB1 David Johnson put up 15.2 points despite being on a terrible team, and Odell Beckham Jr/ Juju Smith-Schuster put up a combined 31 points at receiver. Jesse pulled out the W behind a herculean effort from Alvin Kamara with 38.6, Davante Adams and Adam Thielen with 30.5 points at receiver, and most importantly his kicker Greg Zuerlein putting up 16 points. We all laughed at Jesse when he picked Big Z early in the draft, but it worked out for him this week in a big way.
Joe VS. Dan: 123.1- 114.5
- In this matchup, the newcomer Joe made his presence felt in Week 1. Even in my semi-drunken state during the draft at Hooter's, I remember saying that Joe was very patient and picked a great team. I mean, how did we let Antonio Brown fall to him at #8 and then he got the likely Rookie of the Year at #9, Saquan Barkley? This guy Joe is a darkhorse, and we can't let it happen. If he wins the league this year, I swear to little 8-pound, 6-ounce Baby Jesus that I will punch Addisson straight in the babymaker.
With that said, Joe put up an excellent showing in his first week in the league. He had strong outings from A-Aron Rodgers (24.9), Saquan (19.8), Jay Ajayi with 20.2, and Mike Evans with 24.2. Dan's team had a respectable outing in a losing effort, as Cam Netwon had 18.2, A.J. Green put up 16.2, new Cleveland wideout Jarvis Landry had 14.1, the Gronk pulled out 19.8, and his kicker Robbie Gould/Jaguars defense had a combined 24 points.
- For the second week in a row, we saw another tie. In the first week of the season, we saw the Cleveland Browns finally end their losing streak with a tie against Pittsburgh. As a man that grew up in Cleveland, I can say that I almost threw a remote though my living room television because they lost in the most Browns way possible. They put up a great fight against their archrival, but still somehow lost because their kicker missed two field goals and two extra points in crunch time. I'm going to give a rare fantasy hint to all of you: For the love of god, do not ever have Zane Gonzalez on your team.
In week two, we witnessed the Packers and Vikings battle come to an end in another tie. A wise woman, the famous goalie Julie "The Cat" Gaffney from the movie D2: The Mighty Ducks, once said that a tie is like kissing your brother. Can the NFL please adopt an overtime policy like the NHL, where we can at least have a shootout between kickers or something? Fuck.
Chris VS. Anthea: 132.2- 80.6
- By the time the Sunday Night Football Game started, I knew that I had this one in the bag already. After scoring 1.2 points in the first game, my elite TE Travis Kelce came through for me in the second game with 26.4 points. Michael Thomas also scored a substantial 24.9, and Matthew Stafford put up 24.7 points. Anthea was keeping up for a minute with Kareem Hunt getting 14.5 and T.Y. Hilton scoring 17.8 with Captain Andrew Luck back at the helm, and in a tough game against the vaunted Jaguars defense,
Sir Thomas Brady was able to eek out 16.4 points in a losing effort. By the time the afternoon games were over however, all of Anthea's players were finished with their games and I was up by 25 points with Zeke and Jordan Howard left to play. Needless to say, I had a nice, tall drink and poured a little out for my fallen homie Anthea. Better luck next week, my friend.
Addisson VS. Rob: 143.9- 140.1
- In the matchup of the week, Addisson was able to squeak out a win against our defending champ, Roberto. It truly came down to the wire in this one, but unfortunately Rob had to chug a shot of some vile ass spicy liquid straight from the heart of somewhere in South Africa because of a bet he lost. His asshole still burns from the loss, and also the sauce. Rest In Peace to his "grippers," as they were already like saloon doors before this venture. He prematurely surrendered though, almost for naught, because he just about pulled out the win. This was a photo finish, ladies and gentleman.
Every single one of Rob's players scored in double digits this week, besides his kicker and defense. Highlighted by Todd Gurley's 30.8 points and Christian McCaffrey's 20.9, I thought that he was going to send Addisson's bitchass to 0-2. However, Mr. Ziegler had pulled a bold move and started Patrick Mahomes, the waiver wire pickup of the week, who miraculously scored 38.8 points on the strength of 326 passing yards and 6 FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS. It also helped that Melvin Gordon and DeAndre Hopkins scored a combined 47.6 points. All in all, a great first W for our resident self-proclaimed Puertoriccan, your team is looking strong. We'll wait you out until Week 5 or so when you have a completely different team, and I still won't accept your trade of your middle nut and a turkey sandwich for Zeke.
Dan VS. Jesse: 127-111.2
- This was also a pretty good matchup of our newcomers from last year. I'm pretty sure Dan was talking shit at some point, but we never heard him because he was extremely stoned and muttered it under his breath. Meanwhile, we all heard Jesse's war cries from somewhere under his Joe Dirt-style beard, but it was all for nothing. Dan took Jesse to the woodshed and won the Battle of The Beards in the one.
The two QBs in this matchup ended up pretty equal in points, as Dan's Cam Newton scored 27.6 and Jesse's Mr. Dr. Ryan Fitzmagic scored 30. The two RB1s also were close, with D's Kenyon Drake got 15 and J's Kamara got 14.9. The real difference maker in this one was Jesse's kicker Greg Zuerlein getting hurt in the first half and put up a goose egg overall, while Dan's Robbie Gould booted his way to 14 points. Game over, Jesse.
Joe VS. Kira: 138.9- 100.2
- First things first; Joe's team is on a tear right now. I don't care what we have to do as a league, somebody take a baseball bat to the new guy's knees. We cannot allow this, the man has to get his hazing at some point. Now, on to business...
I might be biased because she is my girlfriend, but Kira has gotten a raw deal the first two weeks. On the other hand, do you guys remember the past two years, when she has lost her first 2-3 games and then shits on us and wins 10+ in a row? The only reason that I have a TSFFL Championship ring is because our former league member, Nate, got lucky as hell after she won 12 in a row and somehow beat her in the playoffs. I ended up facing Nate in the championship game after his lucky break and beat him 100-something to like 70. All I'm saying is, beware of Kira. Her team is likely to come out of hibernation at any point and open up a can of whoop ass on ya at any time.
On to the game. Joe's entire team scored in double digits, which is fucking unheard of. Not one of his guys scored over 20, but every one of his players showed up. Even his kicker and defense had 10 points each with the lowest points on the squad, watch out for the new guy...
Kira had Kirk Cousins with 33.5 points, JuJu put up an amazing 24.6, Jimmy Graham (12.5) and Robert Woods (11.1) chipped in, but ultimately her New England defense scored -2 and Mr. Clutch kicker himself Adam Vinatieri only had 3 points. Well fought game babe, but you left Amari Cooper on the bench with 16.6 points and Will Fuller V with 21.3. It didn't help that David Johnson only scored 5.6 points even though he's an elite RB1 and Dion Lewis scored 4.8, your team will eventually click. Or not, at least one of us will win a ring this year. Haha.
WEEK THREE PREVIEW:
- Chris VS. Rob
Your ass is grass this week, Roberto. I'm about to come at you like a spider monkey.
- Addisson VS. Anthea
In the battle of the soon to be newlyweds, Addisson pulls a surprise move and trades Anthea his kicker for her best player, Julio Jones on Saturday night after convincing her that Julio Jones is a soccer player. He still ends up losing this matchup because she surprises him on Sunday morning by inserting Johnny Manziel, Randy Moss, Jason Witten and the Cleveland Indians defense into his lineup while he's sleeping.
- Jesse VS. Joe
The projections for this game on the ESPN app are within 1.5 points of eachother. This one will come down to the flock of birds in Jesse's beard and Joe's beginner's luck. Jesse has the better running backs and Joe the better receivers, we'll see how this one plays out. Best of luck to both of you, I hope you both score 0 points.
-Kira VS. Dan
The teams are pretty evenly matched in this one, but Dan is favored by six points. Looking at the matchups though, it appears that this game might be close. There are no distinct mismatches, besides maybe Dan's Jaguars defense. However, Kira just picked up the newly signed Vikings kicker Dan Bailey, who could possibly have a big game in a high-scoring offense. I have a feeling that this will be a close game, best of luck to both of you. I also hope that you both score zero points, but maybe Kira can score one point so that I won't be sleeping on the couch with the hound.
Hope you guys enjoyed this long, drawn-out first blog entry from the guy that is going to win his second ring this year. But in all seriousness, if anybody has any feedback, positive or negative, please let me know how I can do this better. I'm here to please the people, and would love to hear your input. I'm still new to this, so take it easy on me, but if there's anything that I can do to provide a better experience, let me know.
- Christopher Edward Motherfucking Roth Jr.
- Well guys, I'm back from my brief hiatus. Sorry that I haven't been updating the blog over the past few weeks, but I have been extremely busy. Just a few days ago, I finished up my last night at the Beach Box, so I should have plenty of time from here on out to make sure that I get this blog done weekly. It also didn't help that my internet went out for almost a week, but everything is good to go now. No more excuses, because I thoroughly enjoy doing this blog and want to give you guys something to look forward to every week. I have a lot of catching up to do on the last few weeks of action, so without further ado, let's get this shit started.
-Before I get to this week's games, I would like to highlight one game from this week. Cleveland Browns rookie QB Baker Mayfield came into the game against the New York Jets just before halftime and led the Brownies to their very first win of the season in a herculean comeback effort. Welcome to NFL, Baker Mayfield, Cleveland already loves you.
- Chris VS. Rob (104.7-115.4)
In this game, I wanted to beat our fearless leader so damn badly, but unfortunately came up short like Jesse's weiner. My team wasn't horrible, as I had six players all score in double digits, led by Michael Thomas with 17.9, Matthew Stafford with 17.5, and Travis Kelce had 15.4. However, it wasn't enough as Rob had only four players in double digits, but two of his players, Todd Gurley and Christian McCaffrey each had over 20 points apiece. Well done Rob, ya bastard.
- Addisson VS. Anthea (130.4-108)
In this battle of lovers, Addisson took Anthea to the woodshed behind this year's biggest surprise QB, Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes had 25.3 points, and everyone else on his roster scored in double digits besides Jordan Reed, who still had 8.5 points. Anthea got some good days from the resurrected Adrian Peterson, who put up an amazing 24 points, Kareem Hunt with 16.4 and Marshawn Lynch had 16.1. Tom Brady only had 7.5 points, which is totally out of character for him, but he had an unforeseen tough matchup in what ended up being a great game against the Detroit Lions that they lost 26-10. She also left four players on the bench that totaled almost 79 points, including Jordy Nelson (26.3), Chris Carson (19.4), Emmanuel Sanders (15.8), and Philip Rivers (17). Anthea will get her shot at redemption against her hubby in Week 10.
- Jesse VS. Joe (135.2-123.5)
This game was quite the battle. Jesse rode the tidal wave named Ryan Fitzmagic to 25.1 points, Alvin Kamara had 26.5, Isaiah Crowell with 18.1, and Adam "The Best White Receiver In Football" Thielen to 17.5. Not to be outdone, Joe's squad had probable NFL Rookie of the Year Saquan Barkley (20.2), AA-Ron Rodgers (19.9), Mike Evans (22.7) and Antonio Brown (14) all ball out in this one. Even his kicker, Matt Prater, scored 14 points for him. Jesse and Joe will go to battle again in Week 10.
- Kira VS. Dan (93.2- 77.2)
In the week's lowest scoring matchup, Kira outlasted Dan to win her first game of the season. She almost shot herself in the foot by leaving Robert Woods (28.7) on her bench, but she had the unlikely receiver duo of JuJu Smith-Schuster (16.1) and Will Fuller (18.6) help her pull out the win. Most of Dan's team didn't show up this week, but Cam Newton had himself a hell of a game with 29.6 points. Just like all of the other games this week, Dan will have his chance at revenge in Week 10.
- This week was pretty crazy in the NFL with several overtime games and a few blowouts. One thing that really grinded my gears was the overturned call against the Browns at the end of the fourth quarter against the Oakland Raiders. I know that I'm talking about the Browns again, but the end of this game fucking infuriated me. Carlos Hyde clearly picked up a first down that would have put the game away, but the refs overturned the call, the game went into overtime and the Raiders won. The NFL came out two days later and apologized for the botched call and said that they got it wrong, but that doesn't take away the loss. The Browns were screwed over by the zebras in this game, but nonetheless, this young team has been in every game up to this point and looks like they'll be contenders sooner rather than later. Having a legitimately talented young QB for the first time in 20 years, great offensive weapons and an emerging, solid defense will get them there in a hurry.
- Jesse VS. Chris (152-139.5)
I was really pissed that I lost this game against my former roommate, because my team actually had a really good week with the exception of two running backs that I've been keeping around for some reason. Jordan Howard (2.5) was supposed to have a really good season after he broke out in 2017, but he's been sucking the fattest of donkey dicks to start the season and it's looking like his backup Tarik Cohen is going to take his job. Lamar Miller (4.9) has been doing almost equally as terrible and definitely didn't show up this week. They ruined fantastic outings from my boy Zeke (32), Matt Ryan (29.3), Travis Kelce (17.3), and even my defense, GB (21) and kicker, Will Lutz (16) chipped in. Miller and Howard can go fornicate eachother and are <---> this close to hitting the waiver wire. I needed every point that I could get, because Jesse's team went off this week. FOUR of his players scored over 20 points, including Carson Wentz (20,7), Adam Thielen (23.5), Brandin Cooks (22.1), and Alvin FUCKING Kamara with an ungodly 38.6! I'll see your ass in Week 11, Jesse, and I'm out for blood.
-Kira VS. Addisson (124.3-151)
Kira's team wasn't bad by any means this week, not one player had less than 8 points, but Addisson's team was better. Just like Jesse, Addisson's team also had four players score over 20 points. Patrick Mahomes (22.9), Melvin Gordon (27.4), Gio Bernard (23.6) and DeAndre Hopkins (27.9) all had outstanding games and even his kicker, Justin Tucker, scored 16 points. Although Kira's team was solid, only Kirk Cousins (31.7) and David Johnson (16.7) had remarkable games. Kira and Addisson will do battle again in Week 11.
- Dan VS. Anthea (93.7-142.8)
In this one, Dan's team was pretty solid but it wasn't enough to overcome Anthea's squad. Dan was done in by subpar outings from Leonard Fournette (4), Javorious "Buck" Allen (5.7), and Gronk (6.4) His two Bengals receivers in A.J. Green (15.8) and Tyler Boyd (15.5), kept him afloat for awhile, but Anthea's running backs, receivers, and tight end all had really good games. Kareem Hunt had 25, Beast Mode had 17.2, Julio Jones put up 21.8, T.Y. Hilton scored 13.5, and George Kittle (who the fuck is George Kittle?" had 21.5 out of nowhere. All of the rest of her players had at least 8, and she had Dan at home crying himself to sleep by the time the weekend was over. Dan VS. Anthea: Round 2 is in Week 11.
- Joe VS. Rob (104.8-143.5)
Joe may not be married to Rob's daughter, but he is already calling him "Daddy" after this week's game. Rob took the whooping stick to his future son-in-law in this one and showed him who wears the pants in the family. You're officially out of the Circle of Trust, Focker, I mean, Joe. You'll get your chance for revenge in Week 11 though to prove yourself to Poppa Robbie.
Joe's superteam was mediocre this week for once, and Rob had the best fantasy player so far in 2018, Todd Gurley, with another great game to pace his team (23.6 points). Golden Tate also completely killed it this week (29.2) and so did Jared Cook (27). Joe's chances may have been a little better if he hadn't left Cooper Kupp, who had 32.7 points, and Carlos Hyde with 14.2 points on his bench. Better luck next time, Latin Jesus.
- We're getting to the point of the season where we are starting to get a clearer picture of what players are for real. The truly elite guys are the ones showing up for your teams every week, and congratulations if you were smart enough to roster a few of them. Sure, we all knew that guys like Todd Gurley, David Johnson, Zeke Elliot, Antonio Brown, etc. were going to kill it this season like they always do. I'd like to take a second to highlight three guys that are starting to show special qualities and have thoroughly impressed me week after week. Patrick Mahomes, James Conner, and Saquon Barkley. These guys have seemingly come out of nowhere to be three of the top players in all of fantasy football and are balling out of control this season. So congrats to Addisson, Rob and Joe for adding them to their squads. All three of these guys are definitely going to help in the stretch run towards the playoffs.
- Chris VS. Joe (103-148.2)
For all of the shit that I was talking last week about Joe getting spanked by Rob, it was my turn to get shit on. All of my players had the definition of mediocrity written all over them this week, maybe with the exception of my emerging RB2, Sony Michel. When I picked him in our draft this year, half of you said, "Who?" When I saw that the Patriots had drafted a running back in the first round, I immediately circled this guy's name in my subconscious because I had a really good feeling that he would be great. Anyways, I'm done patting myself on the back, I just wanted you guys to know how smart I was about that. Joe's team had four guys with over 25 points: Antonio Brown (25.1), Aaron Rodgers (28.7), Saquon Barkley (26.9), and ERIC EBRON?!!! Dude had 27 points out of fucking nowhere. I've got your number in Week 11, Yoseph.
- Addisson VS. Jesse (120.6-103.1)
This was kind of a weird game, because Addisson pulled out the W with three players over 20 points this week, but Jesse's team had four such guys. Addisson had Deshaun Watson (21), Melvin Gordon (20), and T.J. Yeldon (22.2) with great weeks, and the difference-maker that chipped in was Joe Mixon with 19 points. Jesse got good outings from Carson Wentz (21), Adam Thielen (21.1) Davante Adams (24.5), and Zach Ertz (22), but Alvin Kamara (5.4) finally came back down to earth with the return of Mark Ingram to the Saints offense. Brandin Cooks and Mason Crosby also chipped in with zero points apiece, which killed any momentum that Jesse's team had. Mason Crosby went 1 of 5 on his field goal attempts and missed his only extra point attempt. You had one fucking job Mr. Crosby!!! Better luck in Week 11, Jesse.
- Anthea VS. Kira (83.1-140.7)
In the battle of our resident female fantasy football players, Kira completely dominated Anthea in this one. Anthea really only had two players with point totals worth mentioning, Philip Rivers (21.4) and Kareem Hunt (15.9). I'm not exactly sure why she left Tom Brady (27.5) on the bench and started Rivers instead, but it didn't really hurt her too much because the rest of her team was hot garbage this week anyways. Emmanuel Sanders (11.7) was also sitting on the bench and would have been better off in the flex than Quincy Enunwa with his zero points, but again, it wouldn't have really mattered anyways. Kira's team only had one player that had less than double digits, the Houston Texans D/ST, but they still got her 9 points. Leading the way in this blowout was Big Ben Rapinbitches (21.6), David Johnson (20.1), Odell Beckham Jr (27.4), and Robert Woods (17). Great game ladies, you'll get a chance to duke it out for female supremacy again in Week 11.
- Rob VS. Dan (139.6-91.2)
Dan's team actually had a really solid outing, but Rob had TWO players go for over 30 points this week. Todd Gurley had a hell of a game with 3 TDs and 31.3 points, and James Conner had 32.5 himself. Blake Bortles somefuckinghow scored 20.6 points even though he threw FOUR interceptions, which he sometimes does. Dan's highest scorer was Mark Ingram, who had 2 TDs and 20.3 fantasy points in his first game back after serving his four game suspension. The rest of his guys were solid, but he was undone by his Jacksonville Jaguars defense scoring only 2 points and his kicker, Robbie Gould (-1) missing his only field goal attempt of the day. Dan will get his shot at redemption in Week 11.
WWOOOOO What a season! Full of everything that makes fantasy football worth playing. Close games, questionable trades, and all the shit talking you would hope to expect from a group of degenerates like yourselves. Out of all that has happened this year and taking into account our storied history, a full accounting of what transpired would be impossible, so lets take a look at the three most important story lines in the last week.
To Devon. How does one fall from grace so quickly? A former champion disgraced and humiliated in front of his peers. Well.... I say peers, but as it stands now your peers are relegated to perennial losers like the Browns. I'll define:
Perennial losers are people who suck basically all the time. They don't realize they suck because they often delude themselves by clinging to some distant past event to justify their existence.
Holy Fuck, that has your name written ALL over it. You know, one of the shittiest things about losing is having your name associated with it, like a stink that you just cant wash off. What do you think of when you hear the name Salty Dee? Fame? Money? Glory? Fuck and No. No, when you hear the name Salty Dee you think of black clouds raining fire onto dead hobos. So allow me to welcome our newest Golden Douche with all the ceremony that he deserves.... Eat Shit.
To Nate. A cinderella season where a 7-6 team made it all the way to the Championship. Boy, your hopes must have been riding high going into that final game. Just a skinny bundle of nerves setting your patchy, prepubescent beard all aquiver. Unfortunately even with all of your preparation and prayers you will not be walking away a champion this year. Scoring 40 points in the championship game will never get you a ring. Scoring 40 points in a game will never get you any accolades. It will, as I'm sure you can attest, get you a skull fucking the likes of which that will go down in history. Your team is bad and you should feel bad.
To Chris. Lets hear it for our Champion! You not only drafted extremely well but out of the four trades you accepted this year, you won three of them. What a wonderful holiday you must have had. Winning a ring, a title, and being balls deep in Nate at the same time must have been your personal heaven. I'd imagine that in the long, cold winter of old age, as you loving caress the symbol of your only taste of victory, a fleeting memory of Nate's perpetually wan visage will float into view, bringing with it the satisfaction of a fucking done well. You won a championship Chris, you need no praise from me. Please take your ring and put it in your butt, I'm done here.
That's all for this year guys. I hope you have all enjoyed reading this as much as I have had writing it. I look forward to seeing everyone at the championship dinner. It doesn't even matter that I missed the playoffs this year, I'm not mad at all. Thank you all for playing and until next year....
As the ashes settle from the fierce semi-final battles we are finally able to get a glimpse of who will be our new champion. Will it be Chris, with his 9-4 record and coming off a 4 game winning streak? Or will it be the underdog Nate, who just sqeaked into the playoffs but is riding a massive win over the previously unbeatable Kira? Only time will tell and with only 1.5 points separating them it will certainly be an exciting game.
As fun as watching that game might be nothing is better to me than explaining just how horrible Anthea's and Kira's teams were in the semi-finals. Anthea, you put up a respectable showing, though I'm sure that even you never thought you had a chance. You being in the playoffs this year was just a mockery of justice. Now, Kira, on the other hand, Oh yeah, thats the good stuff. 10 points was all that separated you from getting into the finals and you decide to play Jordan " I'ma punch a helmet " Reed.
This is your team:
Just look at that dumb motherfucker. After solidly connecting with a piece of metal this stupid bastard squares up yet again! A perfect ending to your almost perfect season. Your disapointment is almost palpable, tell me, was losing this week as bad for your psyche as seeing Chris naked for the first time? Or is that experience still the worst thing that's ever happened to you? Either way I'm sure the two will haunt you for years to come.
Race for the Douche:
Rob - 162
Kyle - 141
Devon - 112
When your experience level in masturbating has reached the pinnacle of the field and have been established as an expert in the field.
My girlfriend caught me doctorbating and was impressed with my level of skill achieved.
Game 1: Chris 106 vs. Anthea 77 - With a 30 point differential this game was nowhere near close. Chris gets over 20 points once again from E.Elliott and supprisingly over 20 from the Miami D. Anthea gets a shit outing from T.Rawls with 3 points to end her championship hopes.
Game 2: Nate 106 vs. Kira 96 - Nate makes a couple of risky plays this week that work out amazingly. Playing both the Atlanta running backs was a bold move but netted him 35 points, and playing T.Gabriel gets him 12. Kira cant pull out a 12th win and with J.Reed getting ejected, 0 points finds its way to her.
Play with your balls!
With the first week of the playoffs over we get closer to crowning this years champion. Time will tell who that will be..... but we fucking know who its NOT! In some of the most inept team managing i've ever seen, neither Addison or Jesse will be advancing to the semifinals. Do you guys want to know how to win in the playoffs? Want a little advise? A little instruction on how to make your team a contender? Well... one simple way, just off the top of my head, would be to score more than 60 fucking points a week. Honestly, watching your teams play is akin to watching 2 people have sex on top of a police investigation. Just pain and humiliation mixed with random bodily fluids that creates a quagmire of disgust and loathing in not only the spectators but in the participants as well. A particularly peculiar feeling that can only be gazed at through the lens of a cosmic failure in such epic magnitude that it must seem that all of the deities that exist, have existed, or will ever exist have turned their backs on you. REPENT! Jesse and Addisson, REPENT to the Fantasy Football gods for your hubris or suffer an eternity of quarterfinal losses.
oh.. and congratulations to Kira on graduating from college, Amy and I are very proud of you.
Race for the Douche:
Rob - 88
Kyle - 75
Dalex - 48
A TV show, Film or situation that was not really funny or marginally funny that for whatever reason is much funnier aftwrwards.
You have to watch Portlandia, but it's a laughterwards, so just give it a chance to kick in.
Game 1: Nate 66 vs. Jesse 57 - Nate just pulls out the win this week by scoring almost 1/3 of his points from J. Hill with 20. He also got so help from the fact that Jesse played the Seattle D. for a whopping -2.
Game 2: Anthea 84 vs. Addisson 59 - After backing in to the playoffs Anthea makes short work of Addison with a combo of A.Rodgers 21 and J.Nelson 16. Addisson for his part gets 0 from M.Forte 1 from J.Graham and 2 from A.Cooper.
Kira vs. Nate
Chris vs. Anthea
Saving money with fucking nightmare fuel.
A heartfelt congratulations to Nate, Addisson, and Anthea for clinching the last three spots in the playoffs this year. It came down to the wire but you three were able to pull out just enough wins needed. The end of year standings appear like so:
Saved by the Bell 10-3
Zeke And Destroy 9-4
RUBBED MY JOHNSON RAWL 7-6
Eagles Beatdown Town 7-6
Team Antheaters 6-7
Draft Punk 5-8
Late Bloomer 5-8
Salty Dee 3-10
In the immortal words of T.S. Elliot; this is the way my Fantasy Football season ends, Not with a bang, but with a whimper. A stumble to the finish line in which my last three losses came from a combined 12 points. After this week, I will join the august ranks of previous teams that have utterly and completely shit the bed and with three more weeks of fighting it out with Kyle and Dalex* watching our teams play is such abject torture that it should be considered a fucking war crime.
Speaking of Kyle,[we shit on Kyle a lot but he's taken it all like a champ, way to be a stand-up guy Kyle.] this year we might see our first triple loss. We know for sure that Kyle will be hoisting The Brady on championship night, along with making his debut in The Mankini Car Wash. What remains to be seen is if The Golden Douche will be his as well. Good luck in the playoffs everyone, Bless your hearts.
*for the last 2 years we have had an Alex leave the league, so until Devon pays his dues to play next year, he will henceforth be known as Dalex.
Mankini Bowl Final:
Chris - 1300
Kyle - 1060
Bless your heart
The most Southern 'fuck you' there is. Can be put at the end of a phrase to nullify any cruelty.
That girl is the most fowl mouthed, idiotic, bitch there is, bless her heart.
Oh you need to actually look this up? Bless your heart.
Game 1: Anthea 141 vs. Kyle 50 - In the highest scoring [and lowest scoring] game of the week Anthea cliches a playoff berth with 8 players in double digit points and J.Howard running for 29. Kyle has 7 players under 6 points with the Eagles D. getting 0.
Game 2: Chris 105 vs. Rob 99 - In the closest game of the week both teams have 6 players scoring in the double digits, but the tide turner was Chris with L.Murray who scores 22 and kicks me out of the playoffs.
Game 3: Kira 104 vs. Jesse 74 - Kira wins another in what has become almost expected fashion. 7 games this year have seen her score over 100 points. While for the last 3 games Jesse has not scored over 75.
Game 4: Nate 100 vs. Dalex 74 -Nate gets the win with help from D.Freeman who scores 21, and help from Dalex playing J.Witten who gets 0.
Game 5: Addisson 110 vs. The A.L.T. 93 - Addisson jumps into the playoffs with D.Johnson scoring 29, which is the 8th time this year he has scored over 20. Addisson, I'm glad that you took my advise to heart last time and finally got your shit together.
Fidgit in style bitches.
The penultimate week is over and we have a new challenger for The Brady. Anthea can breath a sigh of relief for now as Kyle takes over the last spot with a stellar performance from his team. Scoring 56 points in one week takes fucking effort man. It takes the kind of for thought not normally seen in anyone but chess grand masters. The time you must have spent choosing just the right players, roster-bating over your lineup as dreams of defeating Anthea swirl through your head. You must have known that this was inevitable right? Your fantasy football career is the equivalent of the kid who keeps sticking his fork in the electrical socket, no matter how many times you try and help you know the little bastards gonna go right back to hurting himself.
Credit where credit is due this week, congratulations to Chris, Jesse, and Addisson for clinching spots in the playoffs. It must be nice to know that even if you shit the bed in the up coming week it wont affect you. Of course the congratulations wouldn't be complete without also applauding Devon as the first player to clinch a spot in the losers bracket. It must be nice to know that even when you shit the bed in the up coming week it won't affect you.
Don't for get that this is the last week for trades, a thing a few of us wish we had done more of.
Chris - 1195
Kyle - 1010
A safe haven which could be limited to a closet, toilet, single room or a complete house were a male organism is able to produce semen by hand without being disturbed.
Kyle: Have you seen Nate?
Anthea: I haven't seen him in ages
Addison: Nate has locked himself in his wank shelter.
Game 1: Rob 153 vs. Nate 99 - Not to toot my own horn here but 7 players in double digits and 5 of them over 20 points is not to shabby.
Game 2: Chris 78 vs. Jesse 71 - Jesse's feeling the hurt this week as A.J.Green is sidelined indefinitely. When you take this game as a whole though, 3 players between the 2 of you scored 0 points, and Chris pulled out the win even with 2 of those players.
Game 3: Kira 103 vs. Kyle 56 - There's not much more that can be said about Kira's unstoppable climb to the 1st seed in the playoffs. On the other hand, Kyle gets 0 from E.Ebron, -1 from the Eagles D, and ownership of The Brady.
Game 4: Addisson 94 vs. Devon 65 - Addisson pulls the plug on Devon's 2 game win streak with both D.Johnson and O.Beckham scoring 21. Devon gets 2 from A.Robinson firmly entrenching him into the losers bracket.
Games 5: Anthea 93 vs. The A.L.T. 89 - Anthea gets just a ridiculous amount of points out of her kicker J.Tucker with 19. So, for this week at least, Anthea has her shit together.
Keep your secret shit safe!
The panic is starting to set in. Two more weeks until the playoffs and we are starting to get a clearer picture of just who's who. No one is mathematically eliminated just yet, but we do have one team that has already clinched a spot in the playoffs. A team that is on an incredible 7 game win streak and who was a dark horse to even make the playoffs when this year began. A team managed by a person who only started playing fantasy football 2 years ago, and had probably never seen a game before that. I truly believe that we all owe Kira a heart felt congratulations. Going from worst to first is an event that most professionals aspire to. Bravo Kira, I'm sure this will not go to your head, you will be the same humble person as always, never to sully yourself by poking fun at lesser teams than yours like Antheas. I know that she has lost the last six out of seven games, the last loss a brutal spanking to Addisons team. I know that her spirit animal is the surrender monkey, but I am sure, Kira, that you will resist that urge and handle this with great grace and aplomb.
Chris - 1117
Kyle - 954
The default drink one orders when unfamiliar with the drink options, or not ready to order.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Uhhh uhhhhh, vodka soda!
Friend: You know they have craft cocktails here, right?
Me: I dont know. It's my panic drink.
Game 1: Addison 126 vs. Anthea 91 - The highest score of the week sees Addisson with 3 players scoring over 20 points with T.Brady leading the pack at 28 easily outscoring Anthea who gets 0 from M.Crabtree.
Game 2: Devon 93 vs. Rob 88 - I cant fucking buy a win as for the second week in a row I only score 88. Meanwhile Devon gets an incredible 23 points from the Steelers D.
Game 3: Kyle 95 vs. Chris 68 - In a Mankini Bowl preview Kyle gains some ground on Chris with 6 of his players going for double digits. Chris might have a hard time of it if Gronk stays out for an extended period of time.
Game 4: Nate 70 vs. Jesse 65 - In the lowest scoring game of the week, Nate gets help from J.Crowder with 16 and gets a break as Jesse's AJ.Green gets 0.
Game 5: Kira 88 vs. The A.L.T. 87 - Even with the Chiefs D getting 0 points Kira just pulls out the win with a great showing from L.Bell with 25. After this win there really is little left to say, you got your shit together.
How ripe is your umbrella, Bitch?
Another week down and closer to the playoffs, and with the BRAND SPANKING NEW changes in the league, no-one is mathematically eliminated. Someone dropped the ball big time this year, and I'm not sure who to blame for this cluster-fuckery. Is it the NFL? Honestly, who puts 2 teams on bye weeks in week 13 but none in week 12? What goofy, cross eyed bastard looked at this schedule and said, "Yep, everything's fine here." Or was it our commissioner Addisson? I refuse to believe that he has his head so far up his ass that something as simple as a playoff schedule was this botched so badly. Even Devon, sitting at 2-8, could sneak his way in, AND THAT CANNOT STAND! So this week I urge you to call your commissioner and let him know how you feel about this. Addisson needs to know, in long winded conversations or multi-page texts early in the morning, that this effrontery wont stand and that we demand a written apology. So Call, fellow league mates. Call and let your voices be heard!
Chris - 1049
Kyle - 859
rock with lips
Stubborn head that doesn't shut up.
Shut up you rock with lips
Game 1: Kira 120 vs. Addisson 90 - In the highest scoring game of the week Addisson strikes early with 16 points from the Ravens D. It cant hold off Kira who is on a 6 week winning streak with no signs of slowing down.
Game 2: Jesse 90 vs. Rob 88 - This was the closest game of the week and it really came down to the wire. A.Brown does his usual 21 points but Jesse's D.Murray has another fantastic game with 25.
Game 3: Devon 108 vs. Anthea 93 - Anthea gets 26 from A.Rodgers this week but Devon has 7 players score in double digits and gets his second win of the season.
Game 4: Nate 107 vs. Kyle 82 - Nate has great weeks from D.Brees and D.Walker with 20 and 18 respectively which is enough to hold of a team of Kyle's that cant score a touchdown.
Game 5: Chris 103 vs. The A.L.T. 97 - A tip of the hat this week to Chris and his gutsy drafting of E.Elliot. It worked out spectacularly for him this week by netting an amazing 38 points. Congratulations Chris, you have your shit together.
Its a cool fucking clock..... PUNS!
Well that's it. Drink it all in. This is the world we live in now, the Cubs won the world series, Donald Trump is our new president, and Kira will probably be in the playoffs. If you had asked me during the draft which of those things i found most unlikely, lets just say i wouldn't have bet against the Cubs. Its amazing that last year your team was failure scented car freshener and now your in prime position for a ring. I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
There has been a little shake up in the league this week as well. As I understand it we will be dropping down to a 2 person loser bracket which will span the three weeks of the playoffs. The loser after 3 weeks is obligated to pay 50$ be the sticker bitch in next years draft and have their choice of punishments, which include taking the S.A.T.s, a bumper sticker for a year or putting 100$ more towards the championship tab. Incredibly there are 5 teams currently sitting at 4-5, and with 2 weeks to go, 3 of those teams will be in the playoffs.
Also, the blog we be coming out on Wednesdays from here on out. It gives me and extra day to think about how much you all suck. It doesn't sound like such a daunting task on the face of it but becomes so after realizing just how MANY ways there are to describe it.
Chris - 946
Kyle - 777
A dog that lays on its back with all four legs in the air--like a dead cockroach--is commonly described as "roaching."
Nate is roaching on the couch.
Game 1: Chris 132 vs. Addisson 101 - The Highest scoring game of the week, Chris pulls out 30 point with L.Murray. Addisson gets 22 J.Graham but you know that you've been soundly beaten when the opposing team could have won without its top scorer.
Game 2: Kyle 93 vs. Rob 71 - I had a good play with D.Prescott with 23 points, unfortunately he decided not to throw to D.Bryant who netted me 1 and Kyle's kicker C.Santos goes ham with 15.
Game 3: Jesse 92 vs. Devon 82 - Jesse gets a big day again from M.Evans with 27 points, and Devon continues his losing streak by getting 0 from J.Macklin.
Game 4: Kira 102 vs. Anthea 85 - Kira's just rolling over all competition, getting 31 points from M.Gordon who is having a fantastic year. Anthea hit back quickly with M.Ingram netting 28 but got a horrible -7 from her Titans D.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 96 vs Nate 80 - Nate bets heavy on the Denver Broncos this week, playing 3 plus the Broncos D. They total 20 points. Its gives me no pleasure to say, but, Go get your shit together Nate.
Put Bluetooth in ALL THE THINGS!!
I feel a little disappointed this week, a little distraught, a little let down even. Everyone did so well that I'm not sure what to write about. You would think that Jesse losing to Kyle would be enough to get the old shit talking juices flowing, but even that game was kept marginally close. It must be Halloween because having every single game decided by 10 points or less is extremely eerie.
I guess I'll just end this column early, say well done to all of you, and let you move on with your lives. It's just not the same feeling today as I sit here contemplating how to best praise your stupid, stupid teams. oh woe is me.
So, lets talk about the Minnesota D. The Minnesota Defense can get fucked by a rusty dildo. I guess after averaging over 9 points a game it was a little to much to ask for 7, 6, or even 5? Nope, -2, that's what I get for being confident and boasting about my team. -2, I forgot that the Fantasy Gods punish hubris.
Chris - 814
Kyle - 684
An older male who hits on or dates younger women.
(Male version of a Cougar)
Looks like Devon hooked himself up with a Dingo
Game 1: Anthea 95 vs. Chris 91 - As the closest game of the week Anthea was able to take Chris down even with M.Ingram scoring -2 by finally getting a great performance from A.Rodgers with 33. Been wait on that one awhile.
Game 2: Nate 113 vs. Addisson 103 - With the highest scoring game of the week Nate combines his Broncos D. 17 and D.Brees 20 into a win over Addisson, who had T.Brady go for 29 but had the Patriots D. fall flat at 1.
Game 3: Kira 97 vs. Devon - Kira is showing that she really doesn't want to lose this year as for the second week in a row 7 of her players score in the double digits, as she gets the win over Devon with a little help from T.Williams with 0.
Game 4: Kyle 90 vs. Jesse 83 - Kyle pulls off the upset this week triumphing over Jesse with an incredible day out of D.Carr with 35. Jesse cant win with J.Lambo getting 0.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 95 vs. Rob 86 - Have I said that Minnesota's D. can get fucked? I did? Just checking. I'll be over here getting my shit together.
Align your fucking chakkras bitch!