WWOOOOO What a season! Full of everything that makes fantasy football worth playing. Close games, questionable trades, and all the shit talking you would hope to expect from a group of degenerates like yourselves. Out of all that has happened this year and taking into account our storied history, a full accounting of what transpired would be impossible, so lets take a look at the three most important story lines in the last week.
To Devon. How does one fall from grace so quickly? A former champion disgraced and humiliated in front of his peers. Well.... I say peers, but as it stands now your peers are relegated to perennial losers like the Browns. I'll define:
Perennial losers are people who suck basically all the time. They don't realize they suck because they often delude themselves by clinging to some distant past event to justify their existence.
Holy Fuck, that has your name written ALL over it. You know, one of the shittiest things about losing is having your name associated with it, like a stink that you just cant wash off. What do you think of when you hear the name Salty Dee? Fame? Money? Glory? Fuck and No. No, when you hear the name Salty Dee you think of black clouds raining fire onto dead hobos. So allow me to welcome our newest Golden Douche with all the ceremony that he deserves.... Eat Shit.
To Nate. A cinderella season where a 7-6 team made it all the way to the Championship. Boy, your hopes must have been riding high going into that final game. Just a skinny bundle of nerves setting your patchy, prepubescent beard all aquiver. Unfortunately even with all of your preparation and prayers you will not be walking away a champion this year. Scoring 40 points in the championship game will never get you a ring. Scoring 40 points in a game will never get you any accolades. It will, as I'm sure you can attest, get you a skull fucking the likes of which that will go down in history. Your team is bad and you should feel bad.
To Chris. Lets hear it for our Champion! You not only drafted extremely well but out of the four trades you accepted this year, you won three of them. What a wonderful holiday you must have had. Winning a ring, a title, and being balls deep in Nate at the same time must have been your personal heaven. I'd imagine that in the long, cold winter of old age, as you loving caress the symbol of your only taste of victory, a fleeting memory of Nate's perpetually wan visage will float into view, bringing with it the satisfaction of a fucking done well. You won a championship Chris, you need no praise from me. Please take your ring and put it in your butt, I'm done here.
That's all for this year guys. I hope you have all enjoyed reading this as much as I have had writing it. I look forward to seeing everyone at the championship dinner. It doesn't even matter that I missed the playoffs this year, I'm not mad at all. Thank you all for playing and until next year....
As the ashes settle from the fierce semi-final battles we are finally able to get a glimpse of who will be our new champion. Will it be Chris, with his 9-4 record and coming off a 4 game winning streak? Or will it be the underdog Nate, who just sqeaked into the playoffs but is riding a massive win over the previously unbeatable Kira? Only time will tell and with only 1.5 points separating them it will certainly be an exciting game.
As fun as watching that game might be nothing is better to me than explaining just how horrible Anthea's and Kira's teams were in the semi-finals. Anthea, you put up a respectable showing, though I'm sure that even you never thought you had a chance. You being in the playoffs this year was just a mockery of justice. Now, Kira, on the other hand, Oh yeah, thats the good stuff. 10 points was all that separated you from getting into the finals and you decide to play Jordan " I'ma punch a helmet " Reed.
This is your team:
Just look at that dumb motherfucker. After solidly connecting with a piece of metal this stupid bastard squares up yet again! A perfect ending to your almost perfect season. Your disapointment is almost palpable, tell me, was losing this week as bad for your psyche as seeing Chris naked for the first time? Or is that experience still the worst thing that's ever happened to you? Either way I'm sure the two will haunt you for years to come.
Race for the Douche:
Rob - 162
Kyle - 141
Devon - 112
When your experience level in masturbating has reached the pinnacle of the field and have been established as an expert in the field.
My girlfriend caught me doctorbating and was impressed with my level of skill achieved.
Game 1: Chris 106 vs. Anthea 77 - With a 30 point differential this game was nowhere near close. Chris gets over 20 points once again from E.Elliott and supprisingly over 20 from the Miami D. Anthea gets a shit outing from T.Rawls with 3 points to end her championship hopes.
Game 2: Nate 106 vs. Kira 96 - Nate makes a couple of risky plays this week that work out amazingly. Playing both the Atlanta running backs was a bold move but netted him 35 points, and playing T.Gabriel gets him 12. Kira cant pull out a 12th win and with J.Reed getting ejected, 0 points finds its way to her.
Play with your balls!
With the first week of the playoffs over we get closer to crowning this years champion. Time will tell who that will be..... but we fucking know who its NOT! In some of the most inept team managing i've ever seen, neither Addison or Jesse will be advancing to the semifinals. Do you guys want to know how to win in the playoffs? Want a little advise? A little instruction on how to make your team a contender? Well... one simple way, just off the top of my head, would be to score more than 60 fucking points a week. Honestly, watching your teams play is akin to watching 2 people have sex on top of a police investigation. Just pain and humiliation mixed with random bodily fluids that creates a quagmire of disgust and loathing in not only the spectators but in the participants as well. A particularly peculiar feeling that can only be gazed at through the lens of a cosmic failure in such epic magnitude that it must seem that all of the deities that exist, have existed, or will ever exist have turned their backs on you. REPENT! Jesse and Addisson, REPENT to the Fantasy Football gods for your hubris or suffer an eternity of quarterfinal losses.
oh.. and congratulations to Kira on graduating from college, Amy and I are very proud of you.
Race for the Douche:
Rob - 88
Kyle - 75
Dalex - 48
A TV show, Film or situation that was not really funny or marginally funny that for whatever reason is much funnier aftwrwards.
You have to watch Portlandia, but it's a laughterwards, so just give it a chance to kick in.
Game 1: Nate 66 vs. Jesse 57 - Nate just pulls out the win this week by scoring almost 1/3 of his points from J. Hill with 20. He also got so help from the fact that Jesse played the Seattle D. for a whopping -2.
Game 2: Anthea 84 vs. Addisson 59 - After backing in to the playoffs Anthea makes short work of Addison with a combo of A.Rodgers 21 and J.Nelson 16. Addisson for his part gets 0 from M.Forte 1 from J.Graham and 2 from A.Cooper.
Kira vs. Nate
Chris vs. Anthea
Saving money with fucking nightmare fuel.
A heartfelt congratulations to Nate, Addisson, and Anthea for clinching the last three spots in the playoffs this year. It came down to the wire but you three were able to pull out just enough wins needed. The end of year standings appear like so:
Saved by the Bell 10-3
Zeke And Destroy 9-4
RUBBED MY JOHNSON RAWL 7-6
Eagles Beatdown Town 7-6
Team Antheaters 6-7
Draft Punk 5-8
Late Bloomer 5-8
Salty Dee 3-10
In the immortal words of T.S. Elliot; this is the way my Fantasy Football season ends, Not with a bang, but with a whimper. A stumble to the finish line in which my last three losses came from a combined 12 points. After this week, I will join the august ranks of previous teams that have utterly and completely shit the bed and with three more weeks of fighting it out with Kyle and Dalex* watching our teams play is such abject torture that it should be considered a fucking war crime.
Speaking of Kyle,[we shit on Kyle a lot but he's taken it all like a champ, way to be a stand-up guy Kyle.] this year we might see our first triple loss. We know for sure that Kyle will be hoisting The Brady on championship night, along with making his debut in The Mankini Car Wash. What remains to be seen is if The Golden Douche will be his as well. Good luck in the playoffs everyone, Bless your hearts.
*for the last 2 years we have had an Alex leave the league, so until Devon pays his dues to play next year, he will henceforth be known as Dalex.
Mankini Bowl Final:
Chris - 1300
Kyle - 1060
Bless your heart
The most Southern 'fuck you' there is. Can be put at the end of a phrase to nullify any cruelty.
That girl is the most fowl mouthed, idiotic, bitch there is, bless her heart.
Oh you need to actually look this up? Bless your heart.
Game 1: Anthea 141 vs. Kyle 50 - In the highest scoring [and lowest scoring] game of the week Anthea cliches a playoff berth with 8 players in double digit points and J.Howard running for 29. Kyle has 7 players under 6 points with the Eagles D. getting 0.
Game 2: Chris 105 vs. Rob 99 - In the closest game of the week both teams have 6 players scoring in the double digits, but the tide turner was Chris with L.Murray who scores 22 and kicks me out of the playoffs.
Game 3: Kira 104 vs. Jesse 74 - Kira wins another in what has become almost expected fashion. 7 games this year have seen her score over 100 points. While for the last 3 games Jesse has not scored over 75.
Game 4: Nate 100 vs. Dalex 74 -Nate gets the win with help from D.Freeman who scores 21, and help from Dalex playing J.Witten who gets 0.
Game 5: Addisson 110 vs. The A.L.T. 93 - Addisson jumps into the playoffs with D.Johnson scoring 29, which is the 8th time this year he has scored over 20. Addisson, I'm glad that you took my advise to heart last time and finally got your shit together.
Fidgit in style bitches.
The penultimate week is over and we have a new challenger for The Brady. Anthea can breath a sigh of relief for now as Kyle takes over the last spot with a stellar performance from his team. Scoring 56 points in one week takes fucking effort man. It takes the kind of for thought not normally seen in anyone but chess grand masters. The time you must have spent choosing just the right players, roster-bating over your lineup as dreams of defeating Anthea swirl through your head. You must have known that this was inevitable right? Your fantasy football career is the equivalent of the kid who keeps sticking his fork in the electrical socket, no matter how many times you try and help you know the little bastards gonna go right back to hurting himself.
Credit where credit is due this week, congratulations to Chris, Jesse, and Addisson for clinching spots in the playoffs. It must be nice to know that even if you shit the bed in the up coming week it wont affect you. Of course the congratulations wouldn't be complete without also applauding Devon as the first player to clinch a spot in the losers bracket. It must be nice to know that even when you shit the bed in the up coming week it won't affect you.
Don't for get that this is the last week for trades, a thing a few of us wish we had done more of.
Chris - 1195
Kyle - 1010
A safe haven which could be limited to a closet, toilet, single room or a complete house were a male organism is able to produce semen by hand without being disturbed.
Kyle: Have you seen Nate?
Anthea: I haven't seen him in ages
Addison: Nate has locked himself in his wank shelter.
Game 1: Rob 153 vs. Nate 99 - Not to toot my own horn here but 7 players in double digits and 5 of them over 20 points is not to shabby.
Game 2: Chris 78 vs. Jesse 71 - Jesse's feeling the hurt this week as A.J.Green is sidelined indefinitely. When you take this game as a whole though, 3 players between the 2 of you scored 0 points, and Chris pulled out the win even with 2 of those players.
Game 3: Kira 103 vs. Kyle 56 - There's not much more that can be said about Kira's unstoppable climb to the 1st seed in the playoffs. On the other hand, Kyle gets 0 from E.Ebron, -1 from the Eagles D, and ownership of The Brady.
Game 4: Addisson 94 vs. Devon 65 - Addisson pulls the plug on Devon's 2 game win streak with both D.Johnson and O.Beckham scoring 21. Devon gets 2 from A.Robinson firmly entrenching him into the losers bracket.
Games 5: Anthea 93 vs. The A.L.T. 89 - Anthea gets just a ridiculous amount of points out of her kicker J.Tucker with 19. So, for this week at least, Anthea has her shit together.
Keep your secret shit safe!
The panic is starting to set in. Two more weeks until the playoffs and we are starting to get a clearer picture of just who's who. No one is mathematically eliminated just yet, but we do have one team that has already clinched a spot in the playoffs. A team that is on an incredible 7 game win streak and who was a dark horse to even make the playoffs when this year began. A team managed by a person who only started playing fantasy football 2 years ago, and had probably never seen a game before that. I truly believe that we all owe Kira a heart felt congratulations. Going from worst to first is an event that most professionals aspire to. Bravo Kira, I'm sure this will not go to your head, you will be the same humble person as always, never to sully yourself by poking fun at lesser teams than yours like Antheas. I know that she has lost the last six out of seven games, the last loss a brutal spanking to Addisons team. I know that her spirit animal is the surrender monkey, but I am sure, Kira, that you will resist that urge and handle this with great grace and aplomb.
Chris - 1117
Kyle - 954
The default drink one orders when unfamiliar with the drink options, or not ready to order.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Uhhh uhhhhh, vodka soda!
Friend: You know they have craft cocktails here, right?
Me: I dont know. It's my panic drink.
Game 1: Addison 126 vs. Anthea 91 - The highest score of the week sees Addisson with 3 players scoring over 20 points with T.Brady leading the pack at 28 easily outscoring Anthea who gets 0 from M.Crabtree.
Game 2: Devon 93 vs. Rob 88 - I cant fucking buy a win as for the second week in a row I only score 88. Meanwhile Devon gets an incredible 23 points from the Steelers D.
Game 3: Kyle 95 vs. Chris 68 - In a Mankini Bowl preview Kyle gains some ground on Chris with 6 of his players going for double digits. Chris might have a hard time of it if Gronk stays out for an extended period of time.
Game 4: Nate 70 vs. Jesse 65 - In the lowest scoring game of the week, Nate gets help from J.Crowder with 16 and gets a break as Jesse's AJ.Green gets 0.
Game 5: Kira 88 vs. The A.L.T. 87 - Even with the Chiefs D getting 0 points Kira just pulls out the win with a great showing from L.Bell with 25. After this win there really is little left to say, you got your shit together.
How ripe is your umbrella, Bitch?
Another week down and closer to the playoffs, and with the BRAND SPANKING NEW changes in the league, no-one is mathematically eliminated. Someone dropped the ball big time this year, and I'm not sure who to blame for this cluster-fuckery. Is it the NFL? Honestly, who puts 2 teams on bye weeks in week 13 but none in week 12? What goofy, cross eyed bastard looked at this schedule and said, "Yep, everything's fine here." Or was it our commissioner Addisson? I refuse to believe that he has his head so far up his ass that something as simple as a playoff schedule was this botched so badly. Even Devon, sitting at 2-8, could sneak his way in, AND THAT CANNOT STAND! So this week I urge you to call your commissioner and let him know how you feel about this. Addisson needs to know, in long winded conversations or multi-page texts early in the morning, that this effrontery wont stand and that we demand a written apology. So Call, fellow league mates. Call and let your voices be heard!
Chris - 1049
Kyle - 859
rock with lips
Stubborn head that doesn't shut up.
Shut up you rock with lips
Game 1: Kira 120 vs. Addisson 90 - In the highest scoring game of the week Addisson strikes early with 16 points from the Ravens D. It cant hold off Kira who is on a 6 week winning streak with no signs of slowing down.
Game 2: Jesse 90 vs. Rob 88 - This was the closest game of the week and it really came down to the wire. A.Brown does his usual 21 points but Jesse's D.Murray has another fantastic game with 25.
Game 3: Devon 108 vs. Anthea 93 - Anthea gets 26 from A.Rodgers this week but Devon has 7 players score in double digits and gets his second win of the season.
Game 4: Nate 107 vs. Kyle 82 - Nate has great weeks from D.Brees and D.Walker with 20 and 18 respectively which is enough to hold of a team of Kyle's that cant score a touchdown.
Game 5: Chris 103 vs. The A.L.T. 97 - A tip of the hat this week to Chris and his gutsy drafting of E.Elliot. It worked out spectacularly for him this week by netting an amazing 38 points. Congratulations Chris, you have your shit together.
Its a cool fucking clock..... PUNS!
Well that's it. Drink it all in. This is the world we live in now, the Cubs won the world series, Donald Trump is our new president, and Kira will probably be in the playoffs. If you had asked me during the draft which of those things i found most unlikely, lets just say i wouldn't have bet against the Cubs. Its amazing that last year your team was failure scented car freshener and now your in prime position for a ring. I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
There has been a little shake up in the league this week as well. As I understand it we will be dropping down to a 2 person loser bracket which will span the three weeks of the playoffs. The loser after 3 weeks is obligated to pay 50$ be the sticker bitch in next years draft and have their choice of punishments, which include taking the S.A.T.s, a bumper sticker for a year or putting 100$ more towards the championship tab. Incredibly there are 5 teams currently sitting at 4-5, and with 2 weeks to go, 3 of those teams will be in the playoffs.
Also, the blog we be coming out on Wednesdays from here on out. It gives me and extra day to think about how much you all suck. It doesn't sound like such a daunting task on the face of it but becomes so after realizing just how MANY ways there are to describe it.
Chris - 946
Kyle - 777
A dog that lays on its back with all four legs in the air--like a dead cockroach--is commonly described as "roaching."
Nate is roaching on the couch.
Game 1: Chris 132 vs. Addisson 101 - The Highest scoring game of the week, Chris pulls out 30 point with L.Murray. Addisson gets 22 J.Graham but you know that you've been soundly beaten when the opposing team could have won without its top scorer.
Game 2: Kyle 93 vs. Rob 71 - I had a good play with D.Prescott with 23 points, unfortunately he decided not to throw to D.Bryant who netted me 1 and Kyle's kicker C.Santos goes ham with 15.
Game 3: Jesse 92 vs. Devon 82 - Jesse gets a big day again from M.Evans with 27 points, and Devon continues his losing streak by getting 0 from J.Macklin.
Game 4: Kira 102 vs. Anthea 85 - Kira's just rolling over all competition, getting 31 points from M.Gordon who is having a fantastic year. Anthea hit back quickly with M.Ingram netting 28 but got a horrible -7 from her Titans D.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 96 vs Nate 80 - Nate bets heavy on the Denver Broncos this week, playing 3 plus the Broncos D. They total 20 points. Its gives me no pleasure to say, but, Go get your shit together Nate.
Put Bluetooth in ALL THE THINGS!!
I feel a little disappointed this week, a little distraught, a little let down even. Everyone did so well that I'm not sure what to write about. You would think that Jesse losing to Kyle would be enough to get the old shit talking juices flowing, but even that game was kept marginally close. It must be Halloween because having every single game decided by 10 points or less is extremely eerie.
I guess I'll just end this column early, say well done to all of you, and let you move on with your lives. It's just not the same feeling today as I sit here contemplating how to best praise your stupid, stupid teams. oh woe is me.
So, lets talk about the Minnesota D. The Minnesota Defense can get fucked by a rusty dildo. I guess after averaging over 9 points a game it was a little to much to ask for 7, 6, or even 5? Nope, -2, that's what I get for being confident and boasting about my team. -2, I forgot that the Fantasy Gods punish hubris.
Chris - 814
Kyle - 684
An older male who hits on or dates younger women.
(Male version of a Cougar)
Looks like Devon hooked himself up with a Dingo
Game 1: Anthea 95 vs. Chris 91 - As the closest game of the week Anthea was able to take Chris down even with M.Ingram scoring -2 by finally getting a great performance from A.Rodgers with 33. Been wait on that one awhile.
Game 2: Nate 113 vs. Addisson 103 - With the highest scoring game of the week Nate combines his Broncos D. 17 and D.Brees 20 into a win over Addisson, who had T.Brady go for 29 but had the Patriots D. fall flat at 1.
Game 3: Kira 97 vs. Devon - Kira is showing that she really doesn't want to lose this year as for the second week in a row 7 of her players score in the double digits, as she gets the win over Devon with a little help from T.Williams with 0.
Game 4: Kyle 90 vs. Jesse 83 - Kyle pulls off the upset this week triumphing over Jesse with an incredible day out of D.Carr with 35. Jesse cant win with J.Lambo getting 0.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 95 vs. Rob 86 - Have I said that Minnesota's D. can get fucked? I did? Just checking. I'll be over here getting my shit together.
Align your fucking chakkras bitch!
Good morning, and happy Tuesday to everyone. I hope everyone had a good week, I know I did. Its amazing how pulling off a difficult win, one you had no right to, makes everything in life feel better. It doesn't matter if I was evading incarceration, as long as my team is scoring points and kicking the shit out of Addison, I'm happy.
So with a big fucking smile on my face, lets make fun of some people! First we have to say happy birthday to Addison. Addison was lucky enough to not only win 100$ from a scratch off, he in turn parleyed that into AMAZING seats at the Dolphins game which they won in a nail biting 4th quarter comeback! AND ITS ALL FUCKING MEANINGLESS BECAUSE YOUR DOGSHIT TEAM CANT SCORE 73 POINTS! The Fantasy gods are laughing at you for starting the Bills D WHILE YOU WERE AT THE GAME! You had to know that wouldn't end well.
Secondly, Chris you better hope that you win the Mankini Bowl because you sure as hell aint wearing the pants in you're relationship right now. Good God man, Kira abused you Chris Brown style on Sunday. The only difference was that we didn't need to wait to see the aftermath.
Chris - 723
Kyle - 594
A friend, maybe a best friend, who you get into trouble with and who is somewhat responsible for your actions.
Dude, Kyle is totally my accountabilabuddy. Good lookin out Kyle.
Game 1: Kira 126 vs. Chris 97 - In the highest scoring game this week, Kira makes her come back. She turned Chris around and shoved 7 players full of double digit points strait up his ass, with M.Gordon running for 29.
Game 2: Rob 72 vs. Addisson 62 - In the lowest scoring game this week I pull out the win with A.Dalton scoring 20. Addisson makes a late rally but cant overcome -5 points from the Bills D.
Game 3: Nate 76 vs. Anthea 75 - The closest game of the week Nate takes down Anthea with help from her J.Nelson at 0 points. As an aside, There is some confusion about tiebreakers in this league. As per the T.S.F.F.L. charter that was printed and distributed:
Game 4: Kyle 90 vs. Devon 88 - Kyle gets his second win of the season, and 2 in a row, after J.Jones does J.Jones things and scores 17. Meanwhile Devon had a chance on Monday night but his Texans D. shits the bed with 0.
Game 5: Jesse 129 vs. The A.L.L 86 - Jesse contiues his domination of everyone tallying his 4 week of over 120 points, helped out by 3 players scoring over 20 and D.Murray scoring 18. At least for this week Jesse, your shit is together.