What a week! The glory, the heartbreak, the almost incandescent rage of watching your team fail to live up to its potential. Its not every week that you can go into Monday nights game so absolutely certain of the outcome, only to have defeat snatched from the jaws of victory.
Of-fucking-course I'm talking about Kyle. Oh to be a fly on the wall, can you imagine the disgust and inadequacy that he must have been feeling to lose to Kira of all people? I mean, you could pen a Homeric epic on this loss, people years in the future will still be discussing this utter and complete melt down of a team. I would like to think that, as the loss slowly settled into Kyle's mind, in a fit of anger he jumped from his couch, and grabbing 2 massive dildos, the nearest items at hand, proceeded to run down the street smashing mail boxes and threatening palm trees. But this is Kyle, so we all know that he calmly turned off the t.v. went to his room, curled into a fetal position and cried himself to sleep.
In other Loser news [Lews?], the last undefeated team has fallen. Jesse comes back down to earth this week which allows Anthea to just fucking demolish the A.L.T. and Chris takes the lead in the Mankini Bowl.
A shaved scrotum of an adult male.
You can tell Jesse was quite proud of his shavocado as he entered the locker room showers.
Game 1: Rob 129 vs. Nate 77- The highest differential in points this week, I play R.Tannehill 18 and J.Landry 19, but the real stand out is M.Jones scoring an incredible 32. Nate had a good play with D.Brees 25, although he must have been trowing to everyone but B.Cooks 1.
Game 2: Addison 114 vs. Devon 79- Holy shit did Addison's RB's go off. D.Johnson T.Gurley and C.Micheal all score over 20. Devon's A.Robinson puts up a nice 17, but most of his team failed to score over 10.
Game 3: Chris 101 vs. Jesse 86- I'm giving the play of the week to Chris. Who, against all logic, slides T.Pryor into his line up. Turns out he plays both QB and RB and manages to get Chris 23. Jesse drops down to 2-1 with a rather pedestrian performance by C.Newton with 12.
Game 4: Kira 78 vs. Kyle 75- The battle of the last places came down to Monday. It truly looked like no-one wanted to win this game. Kira has C.Hyde score a third of her points with 24 and Kyle has D.Freeman score a third of his points with 26. The decision fell to Kyle's Giants D. with 0.
Game 5: Anthea 141 vs. A.L.T. 92- Anthea goes HAM this week with A.Rodgers scoring 26 and J.Nelson scoring 22, but the show stopper was her Chiefs D with a whopping 32 points. So Anthea, it appears that your shit.... is together!
Suck on this a' one time!
' Week 2 is over and done with, bringing with it some close games and some blowouts. Newcomer Jesse seems to be like a man on fire scoring the most points for two weeks in a row, making him the lone 2-0. On the other side of the fence Kyle drops another game, and Kira continues her streak from last year, both ending up at 0-2.
Now don't get me wrong, I love the game of fantasy football. There is nothing more in this world that I look forward to. The one thing I absolutely hate tho, is leaving points on the board. Having a player on your bench score more than one of your starters, especially when those points could have helped you win, has to be the most frustrating feeling ever. Even after the week is over you question yourself if there was something you should have done differently. Let me give you an example: Lets say you played 3 RB's this week and they got you 1, 7, and 2 points respectively. That would be bad, but what would really hurt is watching 3 RB's on your bench each get 12 point apiece. I mean, there's bad luck, there's neglecting your line up, and then there's playing a team that is the equivalent of a stadium-wide recessive gene. Man, what a dumb motherfucker, I'm glad I'm not him right Kyle?
A euphemistic reference to taking a massive dump. Typically the corn filled variety. But eloquently expresses any act of defecation.
Well I hope everyone enjoyed that Thanksgiving meal. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to work on my corn art. I've got a masterpiece on the way.
Game 1: Jesse 131 vs. Nate 86- Nate's Broncos D put up a good showing as always this week, netting him 23 points, but D.Woodhead gets hurt and only gets him 2. Jesse's team once again goes ape shit with only 2 of his players not scoring double digits and C.Newton leading the pack with 29.
Game 2: Chris 97 vs. Kyle 84- Not much to say about Chris's team this week. All his players did their job and got him decent points with a Cardinals D leading 22. Kyle has apparently decided that he wants to get less than 10 points together from his 3 rb's. with A.Peterson only scoring 1, while his bench scores a total of 36.
Game 3: Anthea 82 vs. Addison 76- This game was tied leading up into the 8:30 Sunday night game. Anthea's J.Nelson pulled out the victory for her with 13 points added to her total. Meanwhile Addison pulls a Kyle, with T.Rawls only getting 1 point and his Jets D getting 0.
Game 4: Rob 93 vs. Devon 88- In a game that seemed much closer than it actually was, Devon's M.Forte scores over 33% of his total points with 28, while I get a lucky break from M.Bennett scoring 17.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 92 vs. Kira 91- Kira finally puts up a respectable amount of points this week. Both E.Decker and L.Blount get 18 points and the Panthers D gets 14. Unfortunately, the A.L.T. just manages to squeak by. So Kira, please, please, please listen when I say this; Get yo Shit Together!
Knife Key, Knife Key, KNIFE KEEEEEEYYY!!
HOLY FUCK BALLS!! I AM PUMPED! Finally, after what seems like an eon, its time for some football! Is it my imagination or does the food taste a little better? The world appear a little more in focus? The shit talking a little less reserved? GODDAMN I FEEL ALIVE!
Maybe its just the fact that almost nothing happened this off season. Lets see the highlights:
A new year is upon us and it brings some new faces with it. Please join me i welcoming our newest league mates Jesse and Nate. You both have now joined one of the most prestigious groups in all the land. A fraternity where the only thing that exceeds its generosity is its acceptance of all peoples regardless of race [Addison], gender [Addison?], or sexual disposition [Fucking Addison]. We've got a ring damn it. So congratulations to you both, we all hope you have a fun year with us.
In other news The Golden Douche is up for grabs again this year, along with a new trophy Ive affectionately dubbed "the Brady", which will be awarded to the team with the lowest one week score. We also will see the first ever Mankini Bowl. Chris and Kyle have bet their starting line up total season points against each other with the loser washing the winners car in a bikini. I can't tell you how much Jesse is looking forward to it. Make sure to leave any comments at the bottom, like us on facebook, 'cause you fuckers will like anything, and in closing:
A form of punishment wherein an employee fucks up beyond the reprimand of a warning and is put on a disciplinary leave of absence with or without pay.
"Where's Kyle this week?" "Oh he opened the store 2 hours late so boss put him on a Shamecation."
Game 1: Jesse 136 vs Rob 108- With the highest scoring team of the week, Jesse goes off with all but 2 of his players putting up double digit points. Leading the charge is A.j.Green with 24, while C.Newton and L.Fitzgerald both put up 20.
Game 2: Devon 109 vs Anthea 87- Devon plays A.Luck who comes back with a vengance to score 35 this week helping out his kicker D.Bailey with 17. Anthea makes a great play with D.Johnson who adds 18, but could not overcome her Cheifs D. with 0.
Game 3: Addison 106 vs Kira 85- Addison gets a stellar performance from C.Hyde with 20, although he didn't need it to defeat Kira. She puts up one of the lowest scores this week with a strange outing from T.Gurley only putting up 4. Its a good thing she added W.Snead with 23 or I think we might have had a week one contender for The Brady.
Game 4: Nate 122 vs Kyle 104- One of the tightest games this week, Kyle was leading all the way up to Monday night when Nate finally chugged ahead [not "a head", haha...alliteration!] and with the help of D.Williams 28 was finally able to put Kyle to bed. Kyle for his part got 25 from S.Ware but it was negated by 0 from C.Fleener.
Game 5: A.L.T. 107 vs Chris- Chris appeared to be sitting pretty after C.J.Anderson ran for 25 points on Thursday, far and away the leader that day. Unfortunately for him only two more of his starters put up points in the double digits, while the A.L.T. [All League Team, name subject to change] gets a total of 107. So I need you to do something Chris, I need you to get your shit together.
WHAT IS GREEN CHECKERED FLAVOR?? THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!