Ladies and gentleman, the start of the 2018/2019 season of fantasy football is here. We have waited years and years for another shot at glory, or if you want to get technical, I guess it has only been a little over six months or so. It has certainly felt like much longer than that; watching basketball, baseball, golf, dodgeball on ESPN The Ocho, etc has not been the same. Some of us are hungry for redemption, and I'm especially looking at the females of our clan. Kira and Anthea, we love you ladies and you have put up a hell of a fight in the past few years, it's only a matter of time before we crown our first female champion. Dan and Jesse, we also appreciate you fellas returning to the TSFFL for a second go around.
As we embark on our fifth season, I am proud to say that I am one of just three people in this league to be here for Year #5. Shout out to my fellow original members, Addison and our leader Rob. We've made it this far and will continue to uphold this great tradition that we call the TROPICAL SMOOTHIE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Also, another shout out to the new guy in the league, Joe. Thank you for joining us, and I hope you enjoy yourself. Just be aware, we all talk a lot of shit from week to week, but it's all in good fun. Welcome to the TSFFL, good sir.
Every year, I look forward to this more than anything. We've had a lot of people come and go, but I hope that everyone that is gathered here for this fall is here to stay. I am extremely honored to be the new spokesman for our yearly blog, thank you for trusting in me and my writing skills, Mr. Siebold. I hope that all of you will enjoy my weekly rants and ravings. With that said, let's get down to business.
- I'm going to keep this week brief because I'm a little late to the party. I apologize, but I am finally understanding how to operate this blog, so bear with me. I'm still new to this and am figuring it out as I go, but it will get better as the season marches on.
Chris VS. Addisson: 110.8- 106.2
- Your's truly pulled out the win against Addisson in the first week of the season. I thoroughly enjoyed this W, and hopefully set Mr. Ziegler on a crash course to being the biggest loser this season. It was a close game, and he put up a good fight with his highest scorers beings Melvin Gordon with 23.1, the corpse of Jordan Reed coming to life and scoring 12.8, his Rams defense scoring 15 and his kicker Justin Tucker scoring 12. I ended up winning because my boy Zeke scored 16.1, my RB2 Jordan Howard scored 13.2, and my receivers Keenan Allen and Michael Thomas combined for 50.8 points. Better luck next week sir.
Rob VS. Anthea: 159.9- 111.1
- Rob absolutely dominated in this one, even though Anthea put up a respectable 111 points. For Rob, his biggest scorers were a surprise outing from Tyrod Taylor with 23.6 points, Todd Gurley at 22.2, James Conner subbing in for the holdout LeVeon Bell with an awesome debut at 31.7, and Tyreke Hill with 38.8! Anthea's biggest contributors were Tom Brady with 21.3, Julio "The Immortal Mexican" Jones with 23, and the Baltimore Ravens defense with 17 points.
Jesse VS. Kira: 126.3- 89.2
- In a battle between my former roommate and my girlfriend, Jesse emerged victorious. Kira put up a hell of a fight, as her QB Kirk Cousins scored 20.4 points, RB1 David Johnson put up 15.2 points despite being on a terrible team, and Odell Beckham Jr/ Juju Smith-Schuster put up a combined 31 points at receiver. Jesse pulled out the W behind a herculean effort from Alvin Kamara with 38.6, Davante Adams and Adam Thielen with 30.5 points at receiver, and most importantly his kicker Greg Zuerlein putting up 16 points. We all laughed at Jesse when he picked Big Z early in the draft, but it worked out for him this week in a big way.
Joe VS. Dan: 123.1- 114.5
- In this matchup, the newcomer Joe made his presence felt in Week 1. Even in my semi-drunken state during the draft at Hooter's, I remember saying that Joe was very patient and picked a great team. I mean, how did we let Antonio Brown fall to him at #8 and then he got the likely Rookie of the Year at #9, Saquan Barkley? This guy Joe is a darkhorse, and we can't let it happen. If he wins the league this year, I swear to little 8-pound, 6-ounce Baby Jesus that I will punch Addisson straight in the babymaker.
With that said, Joe put up an excellent showing in his first week in the league. He had strong outings from A-Aron Rodgers (24.9), Saquan (19.8), Jay Ajayi with 20.2, and Mike Evans with 24.2. Dan's team had a respectable outing in a losing effort, as Cam Netwon had 18.2, A.J. Green put up 16.2, new Cleveland wideout Jarvis Landry had 14.1, the Gronk pulled out 19.8, and his kicker Robbie Gould/Jaguars defense had a combined 24 points.
- For the second week in a row, we saw another tie. In the first week of the season, we saw the Cleveland Browns finally end their losing streak with a tie against Pittsburgh. As a man that grew up in Cleveland, I can say that I almost threw a remote though my living room television because they lost in the most Browns way possible. They put up a great fight against their archrival, but still somehow lost because their kicker missed two field goals and two extra points in crunch time. I'm going to give a rare fantasy hint to all of you: For the love of god, do not ever have Zane Gonzalez on your team.
In week two, we witnessed the Packers and Vikings battle come to an end in another tie. A wise woman, the famous goalie Julie "The Cat" Gaffney from the movie D2: The Mighty Ducks, once said that a tie is like kissing your brother. Can the NFL please adopt an overtime policy like the NHL, where we can at least have a shootout between kickers or something? Fuck.
Chris VS. Anthea: 132.2- 80.6
- By the time the Sunday Night Football Game started, I knew that I had this one in the bag already. After scoring 1.2 points in the first game, my elite TE Travis Kelce came through for me in the second game with 26.4 points. Michael Thomas also scored a substantial 24.9, and Matthew Stafford put up 24.7 points. Anthea was keeping up for a minute with Kareem Hunt getting 14.5 and T.Y. Hilton scoring 17.8 with Captain Andrew Luck back at the helm, and in a tough game against the vaunted Jaguars defense,
Sir Thomas Brady was able to eek out 16.4 points in a losing effort. By the time the afternoon games were over however, all of Anthea's players were finished with their games and I was up by 25 points with Zeke and Jordan Howard left to play. Needless to say, I had a nice, tall drink and poured a little out for my fallen homie Anthea. Better luck next week, my friend.
Addisson VS. Rob: 143.9- 140.1
- In the matchup of the week, Addisson was able to squeak out a win against our defending champ, Roberto. It truly came down to the wire in this one, but unfortunately Rob had to chug a shot of some vile ass spicy liquid straight from the heart of somewhere in South Africa because of a bet he lost. His asshole still burns from the loss, and also the sauce. Rest In Peace to his "grippers," as they were already like saloon doors before this venture. He prematurely surrendered though, almost for naught, because he just about pulled out the win. This was a photo finish, ladies and gentleman.
Every single one of Rob's players scored in double digits this week, besides his kicker and defense. Highlighted by Todd Gurley's 30.8 points and Christian McCaffrey's 20.9, I thought that he was going to send Addisson's bitchass to 0-2. However, Mr. Ziegler had pulled a bold move and started Patrick Mahomes, the waiver wire pickup of the week, who miraculously scored 38.8 points on the strength of 326 passing yards and 6 FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS. It also helped that Melvin Gordon and DeAndre Hopkins scored a combined 47.6 points. All in all, a great first W for our resident self-proclaimed Puertoriccan, your team is looking strong. We'll wait you out until Week 5 or so when you have a completely different team, and I still won't accept your trade of your middle nut and a turkey sandwich for Zeke.
Dan VS. Jesse: 127-111.2
- This was also a pretty good matchup of our newcomers from last year. I'm pretty sure Dan was talking shit at some point, but we never heard him because he was extremely stoned and muttered it under his breath. Meanwhile, we all heard Jesse's war cries from somewhere under his Joe Dirt-style beard, but it was all for nothing. Dan took Jesse to the woodshed and won the Battle of The Beards in the one.
The two QBs in this matchup ended up pretty equal in points, as Dan's Cam Newton scored 27.6 and Jesse's Mr. Dr. Ryan Fitzmagic scored 30. The two RB1s also were close, with D's Kenyon Drake got 15 and J's Kamara got 14.9. The real difference maker in this one was Jesse's kicker Greg Zuerlein getting hurt in the first half and put up a goose egg overall, while Dan's Robbie Gould booted his way to 14 points. Game over, Jesse.
Joe VS. Kira: 138.9- 100.2
- First things first; Joe's team is on a tear right now. I don't care what we have to do as a league, somebody take a baseball bat to the new guy's knees. We cannot allow this, the man has to get his hazing at some point. Now, on to business...
I might be biased because she is my girlfriend, but Kira has gotten a raw deal the first two weeks. On the other hand, do you guys remember the past two years, when she has lost her first 2-3 games and then shits on us and wins 10+ in a row? The only reason that I have a TSFFL Championship ring is because our former league member, Nate, got lucky as hell after she won 12 in a row and somehow beat her in the playoffs. I ended up facing Nate in the championship game after his lucky break and beat him 100-something to like 70. All I'm saying is, beware of Kira. Her team is likely to come out of hibernation at any point and open up a can of whoop ass on ya at any time.
On to the game. Joe's entire team scored in double digits, which is fucking unheard of. Not one of his guys scored over 20, but every one of his players showed up. Even his kicker and defense had 10 points each with the lowest points on the squad, watch out for the new guy...
Kira had Kirk Cousins with 33.5 points, JuJu put up an amazing 24.6, Jimmy Graham (12.5) and Robert Woods (11.1) chipped in, but ultimately her New England defense scored -2 and Mr. Clutch kicker himself Adam Vinatieri only had 3 points. Well fought game babe, but you left Amari Cooper on the bench with 16.6 points and Will Fuller V with 21.3. It didn't help that David Johnson only scored 5.6 points even though he's an elite RB1 and Dion Lewis scored 4.8, your team will eventually click. Or not, at least one of us will win a ring this year. Haha.
WEEK THREE PREVIEW:
- Chris VS. Rob
Your ass is grass this week, Roberto. I'm about to come at you like a spider monkey.
- Addisson VS. Anthea
In the battle of the soon to be newlyweds, Addisson pulls a surprise move and trades Anthea his kicker for her best player, Julio Jones on Saturday night after convincing her that Julio Jones is a soccer player. He still ends up losing this matchup because she surprises him on Sunday morning by inserting Johnny Manziel, Randy Moss, Jason Witten and the Cleveland Indians defense into his lineup while he's sleeping.
- Jesse VS. Joe
The projections for this game on the ESPN app are within 1.5 points of eachother. This one will come down to the flock of birds in Jesse's beard and Joe's beginner's luck. Jesse has the better running backs and Joe the better receivers, we'll see how this one plays out. Best of luck to both of you, I hope you both score 0 points.
-Kira VS. Dan
The teams are pretty evenly matched in this one, but Dan is favored by six points. Looking at the matchups though, it appears that this game might be close. There are no distinct mismatches, besides maybe Dan's Jaguars defense. However, Kira just picked up the newly signed Vikings kicker Dan Bailey, who could possibly have a big game in a high-scoring offense. I have a feeling that this will be a close game, best of luck to both of you. I also hope that you both score zero points, but maybe Kira can score one point so that I won't be sleeping on the couch with the hound.
Hope you guys enjoyed this long, drawn-out first blog entry from the guy that is going to win his second ring this year. But in all seriousness, if anybody has any feedback, positive or negative, please let me know how I can do this better. I'm here to please the people, and would love to hear your input. I'm still new to this, so take it easy on me, but if there's anything that I can do to provide a better experience, let me know.
- Christopher Edward Motherfucking Roth Jr.
- Well guys, I'm back from my brief hiatus. Sorry that I haven't been updating the blog over the past few weeks, but I have been extremely busy. Just a few days ago, I finished up my last night at the Beach Box, so I should have plenty of time from here on out to make sure that I get this blog done weekly. It also didn't help that my internet went out for almost a week, but everything is good to go now. No more excuses, because I thoroughly enjoy doing this blog and want to give you guys something to look forward to every week. I have a lot of catching up to do on the last few weeks of action, so without further ado, let's get this shit started.
-Before I get to this week's games, I would like to highlight one game from this week. Cleveland Browns rookie QB Baker Mayfield came into the game against the New York Jets just before halftime and led the Brownies to their very first win of the season in a herculean comeback effort. Welcome to NFL, Baker Mayfield, Cleveland already loves you.
- Chris VS. Rob (104.7-115.4)
In this game, I wanted to beat our fearless leader so damn badly, but unfortunately came up short like Jesse's weiner. My team wasn't horrible, as I had six players all score in double digits, led by Michael Thomas with 17.9, Matthew Stafford with 17.5, and Travis Kelce had 15.4. However, it wasn't enough as Rob had only four players in double digits, but two of his players, Todd Gurley and Christian McCaffrey each had over 20 points apiece. Well done Rob, ya bastard.
- Addisson VS. Anthea (130.4-108)
In this battle of lovers, Addisson took Anthea to the woodshed behind this year's biggest surprise QB, Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes had 25.3 points, and everyone else on his roster scored in double digits besides Jordan Reed, who still had 8.5 points. Anthea got some good days from the resurrected Adrian Peterson, who put up an amazing 24 points, Kareem Hunt with 16.4 and Marshawn Lynch had 16.1. Tom Brady only had 7.5 points, which is totally out of character for him, but he had an unforeseen tough matchup in what ended up being a great game against the Detroit Lions that they lost 26-10. She also left four players on the bench that totaled almost 79 points, including Jordy Nelson (26.3), Chris Carson (19.4), Emmanuel Sanders (15.8), and Philip Rivers (17). Anthea will get her shot at redemption against her hubby in Week 10.
- Jesse VS. Joe (135.2-123.5)
This game was quite the battle. Jesse rode the tidal wave named Ryan Fitzmagic to 25.1 points, Alvin Kamara had 26.5, Isaiah Crowell with 18.1, and Adam "The Best White Receiver In Football" Thielen to 17.5. Not to be outdone, Joe's squad had probable NFL Rookie of the Year Saquan Barkley (20.2), AA-Ron Rodgers (19.9), Mike Evans (22.7) and Antonio Brown (14) all ball out in this one. Even his kicker, Matt Prater, scored 14 points for him. Jesse and Joe will go to battle again in Week 10.
- Kira VS. Dan (93.2- 77.2)
In the week's lowest scoring matchup, Kira outlasted Dan to win her first game of the season. She almost shot herself in the foot by leaving Robert Woods (28.7) on her bench, but she had the unlikely receiver duo of JuJu Smith-Schuster (16.1) and Will Fuller (18.6) help her pull out the win. Most of Dan's team didn't show up this week, but Cam Newton had himself a hell of a game with 29.6 points. Just like all of the other games this week, Dan will have his chance at revenge in Week 10.
- This week was pretty crazy in the NFL with several overtime games and a few blowouts. One thing that really grinded my gears was the overturned call against the Browns at the end of the fourth quarter against the Oakland Raiders. I know that I'm talking about the Browns again, but the end of this game fucking infuriated me. Carlos Hyde clearly picked up a first down that would have put the game away, but the refs overturned the call, the game went into overtime and the Raiders won. The NFL came out two days later and apologized for the botched call and said that they got it wrong, but that doesn't take away the loss. The Browns were screwed over by the zebras in this game, but nonetheless, this young team has been in every game up to this point and looks like they'll be contenders sooner rather than later. Having a legitimately talented young QB for the first time in 20 years, great offensive weapons and an emerging, solid defense will get them there in a hurry.
- Jesse VS. Chris (152-139.5)
I was really pissed that I lost this game against my former roommate, because my team actually had a really good week with the exception of two running backs that I've been keeping around for some reason. Jordan Howard (2.5) was supposed to have a really good season after he broke out in 2017, but he's been sucking the fattest of donkey dicks to start the season and it's looking like his backup Tarik Cohen is going to take his job. Lamar Miller (4.9) has been doing almost equally as terrible and definitely didn't show up this week. They ruined fantastic outings from my boy Zeke (32), Matt Ryan (29.3), Travis Kelce (17.3), and even my defense, GB (21) and kicker, Will Lutz (16) chipped in. Miller and Howard can go fornicate eachother and are <---> this close to hitting the waiver wire. I needed every point that I could get, because Jesse's team went off this week. FOUR of his players scored over 20 points, including Carson Wentz (20,7), Adam Thielen (23.5), Brandin Cooks (22.1), and Alvin FUCKING Kamara with an ungodly 38.6! I'll see your ass in Week 11, Jesse, and I'm out for blood.
-Kira VS. Addisson (124.3-151)
Kira's team wasn't bad by any means this week, not one player had less than 8 points, but Addisson's team was better. Just like Jesse, Addisson's team also had four players score over 20 points. Patrick Mahomes (22.9), Melvin Gordon (27.4), Gio Bernard (23.6) and DeAndre Hopkins (27.9) all had outstanding games and even his kicker, Justin Tucker, scored 16 points. Although Kira's team was solid, only Kirk Cousins (31.7) and David Johnson (16.7) had remarkable games. Kira and Addisson will do battle again in Week 11.
- Dan VS. Anthea (93.7-142.8)
In this one, Dan's team was pretty solid but it wasn't enough to overcome Anthea's squad. Dan was done in by subpar outings from Leonard Fournette (4), Javorious "Buck" Allen (5.7), and Gronk (6.4) His two Bengals receivers in A.J. Green (15.8) and Tyler Boyd (15.5), kept him afloat for awhile, but Anthea's running backs, receivers, and tight end all had really good games. Kareem Hunt had 25, Beast Mode had 17.2, Julio Jones put up 21.8, T.Y. Hilton scored 13.5, and George Kittle (who the fuck is George Kittle?" had 21.5 out of nowhere. All of the rest of her players had at least 8, and she had Dan at home crying himself to sleep by the time the weekend was over. Dan VS. Anthea: Round 2 is in Week 11.
- Joe VS. Rob (104.8-143.5)
Joe may not be married to Rob's daughter, but he is already calling him "Daddy" after this week's game. Rob took the whooping stick to his future son-in-law in this one and showed him who wears the pants in the family. You're officially out of the Circle of Trust, Focker, I mean, Joe. You'll get your chance for revenge in Week 11 though to prove yourself to Poppa Robbie.
Joe's superteam was mediocre this week for once, and Rob had the best fantasy player so far in 2018, Todd Gurley, with another great game to pace his team (23.6 points). Golden Tate also completely killed it this week (29.2) and so did Jared Cook (27). Joe's chances may have been a little better if he hadn't left Cooper Kupp, who had 32.7 points, and Carlos Hyde with 14.2 points on his bench. Better luck next time, Latin Jesus.
- We're getting to the point of the season where we are starting to get a clearer picture of what players are for real. The truly elite guys are the ones showing up for your teams every week, and congratulations if you were smart enough to roster a few of them. Sure, we all knew that guys like Todd Gurley, David Johnson, Zeke Elliot, Antonio Brown, etc. were going to kill it this season like they always do. I'd like to take a second to highlight three guys that are starting to show special qualities and have thoroughly impressed me week after week. Patrick Mahomes, James Conner, and Saquon Barkley. These guys have seemingly come out of nowhere to be three of the top players in all of fantasy football and are balling out of control this season. So congrats to Addisson, Rob and Joe for adding them to their squads. All three of these guys are definitely going to help in the stretch run towards the playoffs.
- Chris VS. Joe (103-148.2)
For all of the shit that I was talking last week about Joe getting spanked by Rob, it was my turn to get shit on. All of my players had the definition of mediocrity written all over them this week, maybe with the exception of my emerging RB2, Sony Michel. When I picked him in our draft this year, half of you said, "Who?" When I saw that the Patriots had drafted a running back in the first round, I immediately circled this guy's name in my subconscious because I had a really good feeling that he would be great. Anyways, I'm done patting myself on the back, I just wanted you guys to know how smart I was about that. Joe's team had four guys with over 25 points: Antonio Brown (25.1), Aaron Rodgers (28.7), Saquon Barkley (26.9), and ERIC EBRON?!!! Dude had 27 points out of fucking nowhere. I've got your number in Week 11, Yoseph.
- Addisson VS. Jesse (120.6-103.1)
This was kind of a weird game, because Addisson pulled out the W with three players over 20 points this week, but Jesse's team had four such guys. Addisson had Deshaun Watson (21), Melvin Gordon (20), and T.J. Yeldon (22.2) with great weeks, and the difference-maker that chipped in was Joe Mixon with 19 points. Jesse got good outings from Carson Wentz (21), Adam Thielen (21.1) Davante Adams (24.5), and Zach Ertz (22), but Alvin Kamara (5.4) finally came back down to earth with the return of Mark Ingram to the Saints offense. Brandin Cooks and Mason Crosby also chipped in with zero points apiece, which killed any momentum that Jesse's team had. Mason Crosby went 1 of 5 on his field goal attempts and missed his only extra point attempt. You had one fucking job Mr. Crosby!!! Better luck in Week 11, Jesse.
- Anthea VS. Kira (83.1-140.7)
In the battle of our resident female fantasy football players, Kira completely dominated Anthea in this one. Anthea really only had two players with point totals worth mentioning, Philip Rivers (21.4) and Kareem Hunt (15.9). I'm not exactly sure why she left Tom Brady (27.5) on the bench and started Rivers instead, but it didn't really hurt her too much because the rest of her team was hot garbage this week anyways. Emmanuel Sanders (11.7) was also sitting on the bench and would have been better off in the flex than Quincy Enunwa with his zero points, but again, it wouldn't have really mattered anyways. Kira's team only had one player that had less than double digits, the Houston Texans D/ST, but they still got her 9 points. Leading the way in this blowout was Big Ben Rapinbitches (21.6), David Johnson (20.1), Odell Beckham Jr (27.4), and Robert Woods (17). Great game ladies, you'll get a chance to duke it out for female supremacy again in Week 11.
- Rob VS. Dan (139.6-91.2)
Dan's team actually had a really solid outing, but Rob had TWO players go for over 30 points this week. Todd Gurley had a hell of a game with 3 TDs and 31.3 points, and James Conner had 32.5 himself. Blake Bortles somefuckinghow scored 20.6 points even though he threw FOUR interceptions, which he sometimes does. Dan's highest scorer was Mark Ingram, who had 2 TDs and 20.3 fantasy points in his first game back after serving his four game suspension. The rest of his guys were solid, but he was undone by his Jacksonville Jaguars defense scoring only 2 points and his kicker, Robbie Gould (-1) missing his only field goal attempt of the day. Dan will get his shot at redemption in Week 11.