I feel a little disappointed this week, a little distraught, a little let down even. Everyone did so well that I'm not sure what to write about. You would think that Jesse losing to Kyle would be enough to get the old shit talking juices flowing, but even that game was kept marginally close. It must be Halloween because having every single game decided by 10 points or less is extremely eerie.
I guess I'll just end this column early, say well done to all of you, and let you move on with your lives. It's just not the same feeling today as I sit here contemplating how to best praise your stupid, stupid teams. oh woe is me.
So, lets talk about the Minnesota D. The Minnesota Defense can get fucked by a rusty dildo. I guess after averaging over 9 points a game it was a little to much to ask for 7, 6, or even 5? Nope, -2, that's what I get for being confident and boasting about my team. -2, I forgot that the Fantasy Gods punish hubris.
Chris - 814
Kyle - 684
An older male who hits on or dates younger women.
(Male version of a Cougar)
Looks like Devon hooked himself up with a Dingo
Game 1: Anthea 95 vs. Chris 91 - As the closest game of the week Anthea was able to take Chris down even with M.Ingram scoring -2 by finally getting a great performance from A.Rodgers with 33. Been wait on that one awhile.
Game 2: Nate 113 vs. Addisson 103 - With the highest scoring game of the week Nate combines his Broncos D. 17 and D.Brees 20 into a win over Addisson, who had T.Brady go for 29 but had the Patriots D. fall flat at 1.
Game 3: Kira 97 vs. Devon - Kira is showing that she really doesn't want to lose this year as for the second week in a row 7 of her players score in the double digits, as she gets the win over Devon with a little help from T.Williams with 0.
Game 4: Kyle 90 vs. Jesse 83 - Kyle pulls off the upset this week triumphing over Jesse with an incredible day out of D.Carr with 35. Jesse cant win with J.Lambo getting 0.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 95 vs. Rob 86 - Have I said that Minnesota's D. can get fucked? I did? Just checking. I'll be over here getting my shit together.
Align your fucking chakkras bitch!
Good morning, and happy Tuesday to everyone. I hope everyone had a good week, I know I did. Its amazing how pulling off a difficult win, one you had no right to, makes everything in life feel better. It doesn't matter if I was evading incarceration, as long as my team is scoring points and kicking the shit out of Addison, I'm happy.
So with a big fucking smile on my face, lets make fun of some people! First we have to say happy birthday to Addison. Addison was lucky enough to not only win 100$ from a scratch off, he in turn parleyed that into AMAZING seats at the Dolphins game which they won in a nail biting 4th quarter comeback! AND ITS ALL FUCKING MEANINGLESS BECAUSE YOUR DOGSHIT TEAM CANT SCORE 73 POINTS! The Fantasy gods are laughing at you for starting the Bills D WHILE YOU WERE AT THE GAME! You had to know that wouldn't end well.
Secondly, Chris you better hope that you win the Mankini Bowl because you sure as hell aint wearing the pants in you're relationship right now. Good God man, Kira abused you Chris Brown style on Sunday. The only difference was that we didn't need to wait to see the aftermath.
Chris - 723
Kyle - 594
A friend, maybe a best friend, who you get into trouble with and who is somewhat responsible for your actions.
Dude, Kyle is totally my accountabilabuddy. Good lookin out Kyle.
Game 1: Kira 126 vs. Chris 97 - In the highest scoring game this week, Kira makes her come back. She turned Chris around and shoved 7 players full of double digit points strait up his ass, with M.Gordon running for 29.
Game 2: Rob 72 vs. Addisson 62 - In the lowest scoring game this week I pull out the win with A.Dalton scoring 20. Addisson makes a late rally but cant overcome -5 points from the Bills D.
Game 3: Nate 76 vs. Anthea 75 - The closest game of the week Nate takes down Anthea with help from her J.Nelson at 0 points. As an aside, There is some confusion about tiebreakers in this league. As per the T.S.F.F.L. charter that was printed and distributed:
Game 4: Kyle 90 vs. Devon 88 - Kyle gets his second win of the season, and 2 in a row, after J.Jones does J.Jones things and scores 17. Meanwhile Devon had a chance on Monday night but his Texans D. shits the bed with 0.
Game 5: Jesse 129 vs. The A.L.L 86 - Jesse contiues his domination of everyone tallying his 4 week of over 120 points, helped out by 3 players scoring over 20 and D.Murray scoring 18. At least for this week Jesse, your shit is together.
And we're back baby! I just want to apologize to my millions of fans across the globe for letting you down last week, and I also want to thank all the well wishers, I do this for you. I sat down to write last week but the funnies just wouldn't come, but that's all changed, and ho ho ho, do we have some funny shit to talk about this week.
I think that first we should all congratulate Kyle on getting his first win of the season. It was a long, hard road for you buddy but you finally pulled one out. Its just a shame that you didn't actually, you know, beat anyone, but had to be gift wrapped a win by someone bringing down the league average. Now I wonder who that could be?
What's that now? Time to talk about Anthea's team? Yep, must be time to talk about Anthea's team. 58 points, no matter what else happens this year, that is what you will remember, you scored 58 points in week 6. Your team is truly a masterpiece of ineptitude. I would laugh that your bench out scored your starters, but that overlooks the fact that even if you had played your optimal line-up, you still would have lost by 10. You playing fantasy football is the equivalent of you living in the Harry Potter universe, instead of being a wizard and casting bad-ass spells your a stupid, stupid muggle.
Chris - 626
Kyle - 504
(merf) noun. acronym for Mom I'd Run From. The opposite of a MILF. A mom you definitely would not want to do.
"I don't know where she gets her good looks, her mom is a
Game 1: Addison 120 vs. Jesse 83 - In the highest scoring game this week even with C.Newton scoring 26 Jesse cant overcome Addisson and a combination of T.Brady 27 and D.Johnson 31.
Game 2: Rob 84 vs. Anthea 58 - 58 points Anthea. Wow... just wow.
Game 3: Kira 75 vs. Nate 65 - Nate's scores throughout the last six weeks- 122, 86, 77, 70, 75 [blind squirrel found a nut there huh?], and 65. No jokes, just putting that out there.
Games 4: Chris 118 vs. Devon 91 - Roth Bowl 2016 sees Chris defeat Devon by having a whopping 7 players hit double digit points this week with Gronk leading the pack at 22.
Game 5: Kyle 90 vs. The A.L.T 87 - L.Miller 28 and J.Jones 19 allow Kyle to get his first win of the season by a paltry 3 points. You should be down on your hands and knees thanking Anthea for not knocking you out of playoff contention entirely. *sigh* I guess you have your shit together, I don't really know anymore.
The Boom while you wash your Booty!
Well, Its only week 4 and i believe that we've seen the most exciting games of the season. Three games this week were decided by 10 points or less, with the fourth decided by 12. Watching Kira score her most points of the season only to have Jesse beat her by three, I mean, how excruciating is that? Of course the only game that there was never really any doubt of was Addison playing the A.L.T. but we will get to that in a second.
This week we are going to point our magnifying glass at Devon's team. I say magnifying glass because you would literally need one to see him score points. 61? 61 fucking points D? At this point even Kyle is calling your team a travesty, and come on man, Kyle calling anyone bad is like Jerry Sandusky calling out the Catholic church for pedophilia. Not only is this your third loss in a row, but now your in the top spot to win The Brady, just barley edging out Addison, who's just as bad with 68.
When someone is only a dick to certain people
Anthea: Kyle why does it seem like you're only a dick to me
Kyle: Sorry Anthea, I have Selective Dickism
Game 1: Jesse 125 vs. Kira 122- The highest scoring game this week see both players hitting over 120 points. Jesse gets it started with D.Murray, I.Crowell, and A.J.Green all scoring more than 20. Kira hit back hard with B.Rothlisberger 34 and J.Reed 19. In fact, if she would have played any other defense she would have won, as her Panthers D. goes for -1.
Game 2: Anthea 98 vs. Kyle 89- Anthea's team started out slow this week, but in the last seconds of the early games M.Crabtree goes off for 26. Kyle sure looked like he was going to get his first win of the season after J.Jones gets 36 points, but in true Kyle fashion he drops to 0-4 with C.Sims giving him 0.
Game 3: Nate 70 vs. Devon 61- The lowest scoring game this week allows Nate to squeak out a win with F.Gore and E.Sanders getting 14 and his Broncos D. getting 16 just pulling away from Devon who had only 2 players score more than 10 this week.
Game 4: Chris 100 vs. Rob 88- Chris was leading the entire day as J.Flacco first and then E.Elliot second both score over 20, While the only bright spot on my team was a usual 18 from A.Brown.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 94 vs. Addison 68- Addison falls to the A.L.T. this week with 2 of his players, C.Micheal and the Bengals D. 14, scoring almost half of his entire points. Its tough to win when your kicker get -1. Your week was so bad I don't even know what Gif to use, SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
Back That Ass UP!