The penultimate week is over and we have a new challenger for The Brady. Anthea can breath a sigh of relief for now as Kyle takes over the last spot with a stellar performance from his team. Scoring 56 points in one week takes fucking effort man. It takes the kind of for thought not normally seen in anyone but chess grand masters. The time you must have spent choosing just the right players, roster-bating over your lineup as dreams of defeating Anthea swirl through your head. You must have known that this was inevitable right? Your fantasy football career is the equivalent of the kid who keeps sticking his fork in the electrical socket, no matter how many times you try and help you know the little bastards gonna go right back to hurting himself.
Credit where credit is due this week, congratulations to Chris, Jesse, and Addisson for clinching spots in the playoffs. It must be nice to know that even if you shit the bed in the up coming week it wont affect you. Of course the congratulations wouldn't be complete without also applauding Devon as the first player to clinch a spot in the losers bracket. It must be nice to know that even when you shit the bed in the up coming week it won't affect you.
Don't for get that this is the last week for trades, a thing a few of us wish we had done more of.
Chris - 1195
Kyle - 1010
A safe haven which could be limited to a closet, toilet, single room or a complete house were a male organism is able to produce semen by hand without being disturbed.
Kyle: Have you seen Nate?
Anthea: I haven't seen him in ages
Addison: Nate has locked himself in his wank shelter.
Game 1: Rob 153 vs. Nate 99 - Not to toot my own horn here but 7 players in double digits and 5 of them over 20 points is not to shabby.
Game 2: Chris 78 vs. Jesse 71 - Jesse's feeling the hurt this week as A.J.Green is sidelined indefinitely. When you take this game as a whole though, 3 players between the 2 of you scored 0 points, and Chris pulled out the win even with 2 of those players.
Game 3: Kira 103 vs. Kyle 56 - There's not much more that can be said about Kira's unstoppable climb to the 1st seed in the playoffs. On the other hand, Kyle gets 0 from E.Ebron, -1 from the Eagles D, and ownership of The Brady.
Game 4: Addisson 94 vs. Devon 65 - Addisson pulls the plug on Devon's 2 game win streak with both D.Johnson and O.Beckham scoring 21. Devon gets 2 from A.Robinson firmly entrenching him into the losers bracket.
Games 5: Anthea 93 vs. The A.L.T. 89 - Anthea gets just a ridiculous amount of points out of her kicker J.Tucker with 19. So, for this week at least, Anthea has her shit together.
Keep your secret shit safe!
The panic is starting to set in. Two more weeks until the playoffs and we are starting to get a clearer picture of just who's who. No one is mathematically eliminated just yet, but we do have one team that has already clinched a spot in the playoffs. A team that is on an incredible 7 game win streak and who was a dark horse to even make the playoffs when this year began. A team managed by a person who only started playing fantasy football 2 years ago, and had probably never seen a game before that. I truly believe that we all owe Kira a heart felt congratulations. Going from worst to first is an event that most professionals aspire to. Bravo Kira, I'm sure this will not go to your head, you will be the same humble person as always, never to sully yourself by poking fun at lesser teams than yours like Antheas. I know that she has lost the last six out of seven games, the last loss a brutal spanking to Addisons team. I know that her spirit animal is the surrender monkey, but I am sure, Kira, that you will resist that urge and handle this with great grace and aplomb.
Chris - 1117
Kyle - 954
The default drink one orders when unfamiliar with the drink options, or not ready to order.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Uhhh uhhhhh, vodka soda!
Friend: You know they have craft cocktails here, right?
Me: I dont know. It's my panic drink.
Game 1: Addison 126 vs. Anthea 91 - The highest score of the week sees Addisson with 3 players scoring over 20 points with T.Brady leading the pack at 28 easily outscoring Anthea who gets 0 from M.Crabtree.
Game 2: Devon 93 vs. Rob 88 - I cant fucking buy a win as for the second week in a row I only score 88. Meanwhile Devon gets an incredible 23 points from the Steelers D.
Game 3: Kyle 95 vs. Chris 68 - In a Mankini Bowl preview Kyle gains some ground on Chris with 6 of his players going for double digits. Chris might have a hard time of it if Gronk stays out for an extended period of time.
Game 4: Nate 70 vs. Jesse 65 - In the lowest scoring game of the week, Nate gets help from J.Crowder with 16 and gets a break as Jesse's AJ.Green gets 0.
Game 5: Kira 88 vs. The A.L.T. 87 - Even with the Chiefs D getting 0 points Kira just pulls out the win with a great showing from L.Bell with 25. After this win there really is little left to say, you got your shit together.
How ripe is your umbrella, Bitch?
Another week down and closer to the playoffs, and with the BRAND SPANKING NEW changes in the league, no-one is mathematically eliminated. Someone dropped the ball big time this year, and I'm not sure who to blame for this cluster-fuckery. Is it the NFL? Honestly, who puts 2 teams on bye weeks in week 13 but none in week 12? What goofy, cross eyed bastard looked at this schedule and said, "Yep, everything's fine here." Or was it our commissioner Addisson? I refuse to believe that he has his head so far up his ass that something as simple as a playoff schedule was this botched so badly. Even Devon, sitting at 2-8, could sneak his way in, AND THAT CANNOT STAND! So this week I urge you to call your commissioner and let him know how you feel about this. Addisson needs to know, in long winded conversations or multi-page texts early in the morning, that this effrontery wont stand and that we demand a written apology. So Call, fellow league mates. Call and let your voices be heard!
Chris - 1049
Kyle - 859
rock with lips
Stubborn head that doesn't shut up.
Shut up you rock with lips
Game 1: Kira 120 vs. Addisson 90 - In the highest scoring game of the week Addisson strikes early with 16 points from the Ravens D. It cant hold off Kira who is on a 6 week winning streak with no signs of slowing down.
Game 2: Jesse 90 vs. Rob 88 - This was the closest game of the week and it really came down to the wire. A.Brown does his usual 21 points but Jesse's D.Murray has another fantastic game with 25.
Game 3: Devon 108 vs. Anthea 93 - Anthea gets 26 from A.Rodgers this week but Devon has 7 players score in double digits and gets his second win of the season.
Game 4: Nate 107 vs. Kyle 82 - Nate has great weeks from D.Brees and D.Walker with 20 and 18 respectively which is enough to hold of a team of Kyle's that cant score a touchdown.
Game 5: Chris 103 vs. The A.L.T. 97 - A tip of the hat this week to Chris and his gutsy drafting of E.Elliot. It worked out spectacularly for him this week by netting an amazing 38 points. Congratulations Chris, you have your shit together.
Its a cool fucking clock..... PUNS!
Well that's it. Drink it all in. This is the world we live in now, the Cubs won the world series, Donald Trump is our new president, and Kira will probably be in the playoffs. If you had asked me during the draft which of those things i found most unlikely, lets just say i wouldn't have bet against the Cubs. Its amazing that last year your team was failure scented car freshener and now your in prime position for a ring. I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
There has been a little shake up in the league this week as well. As I understand it we will be dropping down to a 2 person loser bracket which will span the three weeks of the playoffs. The loser after 3 weeks is obligated to pay 50$ be the sticker bitch in next years draft and have their choice of punishments, which include taking the S.A.T.s, a bumper sticker for a year or putting 100$ more towards the championship tab. Incredibly there are 5 teams currently sitting at 4-5, and with 2 weeks to go, 3 of those teams will be in the playoffs.
Also, the blog we be coming out on Wednesdays from here on out. It gives me and extra day to think about how much you all suck. It doesn't sound like such a daunting task on the face of it but becomes so after realizing just how MANY ways there are to describe it.
Chris - 946
Kyle - 777
A dog that lays on its back with all four legs in the air--like a dead cockroach--is commonly described as "roaching."
Nate is roaching on the couch.
Game 1: Chris 132 vs. Addisson 101 - The Highest scoring game of the week, Chris pulls out 30 point with L.Murray. Addisson gets 22 J.Graham but you know that you've been soundly beaten when the opposing team could have won without its top scorer.
Game 2: Kyle 93 vs. Rob 71 - I had a good play with D.Prescott with 23 points, unfortunately he decided not to throw to D.Bryant who netted me 1 and Kyle's kicker C.Santos goes ham with 15.
Game 3: Jesse 92 vs. Devon 82 - Jesse gets a big day again from M.Evans with 27 points, and Devon continues his losing streak by getting 0 from J.Macklin.
Game 4: Kira 102 vs. Anthea 85 - Kira's just rolling over all competition, getting 31 points from M.Gordon who is having a fantastic year. Anthea hit back quickly with M.Ingram netting 28 but got a horrible -7 from her Titans D.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 96 vs Nate 80 - Nate bets heavy on the Denver Broncos this week, playing 3 plus the Broncos D. They total 20 points. Its gives me no pleasure to say, but, Go get your shit together Nate.
Put Bluetooth in ALL THE THINGS!!