WWOOOOO What a season! Full of everything that makes fantasy football worth playing. Close games, questionable trades, and all the shit talking you would hope to expect from a group of degenerates like yourselves. Out of all that has happened this year and taking into account our storied history, a full accounting of what transpired would be impossible, so lets take a look at the three most important story lines in the last week.
To Devon. How does one fall from grace so quickly? A former champion disgraced and humiliated in front of his peers. Well.... I say peers, but as it stands now your peers are relegated to perennial losers like the Browns. I'll define:
Perennial losers are people who suck basically all the time. They don't realize they suck because they often delude themselves by clinging to some distant past event to justify their existence.
Holy Fuck, that has your name written ALL over it. You know, one of the shittiest things about losing is having your name associated with it, like a stink that you just cant wash off. What do you think of when you hear the name Salty Dee? Fame? Money? Glory? Fuck and No. No, when you hear the name Salty Dee you think of black clouds raining fire onto dead hobos. So allow me to welcome our newest Golden Douche with all the ceremony that he deserves.... Eat Shit.
To Nate. A cinderella season where a 7-6 team made it all the way to the Championship. Boy, your hopes must have been riding high going into that final game. Just a skinny bundle of nerves setting your patchy, prepubescent beard all aquiver. Unfortunately even with all of your preparation and prayers you will not be walking away a champion this year. Scoring 40 points in the championship game will never get you a ring. Scoring 40 points in a game will never get you any accolades. It will, as I'm sure you can attest, get you a skull fucking the likes of which that will go down in history. Your team is bad and you should feel bad.
To Chris. Lets hear it for our Champion! You not only drafted extremely well but out of the four trades you accepted this year, you won three of them. What a wonderful holiday you must have had. Winning a ring, a title, and being balls deep in Nate at the same time must have been your personal heaven. I'd imagine that in the long, cold winter of old age, as you loving caress the symbol of your only taste of victory, a fleeting memory of Nate's perpetually wan visage will float into view, bringing with it the satisfaction of a fucking done well. You won a championship Chris, you need no praise from me. Please take your ring and put it in your butt, I'm done here.
That's all for this year guys. I hope you have all enjoyed reading this as much as I have had writing it. I look forward to seeing everyone at the championship dinner. It doesn't even matter that I missed the playoffs this year, I'm not mad at all. Thank you all for playing and until next year....
As the ashes settle from the fierce semi-final battles we are finally able to get a glimpse of who will be our new champion. Will it be Chris, with his 9-4 record and coming off a 4 game winning streak? Or will it be the underdog Nate, who just sqeaked into the playoffs but is riding a massive win over the previously unbeatable Kira? Only time will tell and with only 1.5 points separating them it will certainly be an exciting game.
As fun as watching that game might be nothing is better to me than explaining just how horrible Anthea's and Kira's teams were in the semi-finals. Anthea, you put up a respectable showing, though I'm sure that even you never thought you had a chance. You being in the playoffs this year was just a mockery of justice. Now, Kira, on the other hand, Oh yeah, thats the good stuff. 10 points was all that separated you from getting into the finals and you decide to play Jordan " I'ma punch a helmet " Reed.
This is your team:
Just look at that dumb motherfucker. After solidly connecting with a piece of metal this stupid bastard squares up yet again! A perfect ending to your almost perfect season. Your disapointment is almost palpable, tell me, was losing this week as bad for your psyche as seeing Chris naked for the first time? Or is that experience still the worst thing that's ever happened to you? Either way I'm sure the two will haunt you for years to come.
Race for the Douche:
Rob - 162
Kyle - 141
Devon - 112
When your experience level in masturbating has reached the pinnacle of the field and have been established as an expert in the field.
My girlfriend caught me doctorbating and was impressed with my level of skill achieved.
Game 1: Chris 106 vs. Anthea 77 - With a 30 point differential this game was nowhere near close. Chris gets over 20 points once again from E.Elliott and supprisingly over 20 from the Miami D. Anthea gets a shit outing from T.Rawls with 3 points to end her championship hopes.
Game 2: Nate 106 vs. Kira 96 - Nate makes a couple of risky plays this week that work out amazingly. Playing both the Atlanta running backs was a bold move but netted him 35 points, and playing T.Gabriel gets him 12. Kira cant pull out a 12th win and with J.Reed getting ejected, 0 points finds its way to her.
Play with your balls!
With the first week of the playoffs over we get closer to crowning this years champion. Time will tell who that will be..... but we fucking know who its NOT! In some of the most inept team managing i've ever seen, neither Addison or Jesse will be advancing to the semifinals. Do you guys want to know how to win in the playoffs? Want a little advise? A little instruction on how to make your team a contender? Well... one simple way, just off the top of my head, would be to score more than 60 fucking points a week. Honestly, watching your teams play is akin to watching 2 people have sex on top of a police investigation. Just pain and humiliation mixed with random bodily fluids that creates a quagmire of disgust and loathing in not only the spectators but in the participants as well. A particularly peculiar feeling that can only be gazed at through the lens of a cosmic failure in such epic magnitude that it must seem that all of the deities that exist, have existed, or will ever exist have turned their backs on you. REPENT! Jesse and Addisson, REPENT to the Fantasy Football gods for your hubris or suffer an eternity of quarterfinal losses.
oh.. and congratulations to Kira on graduating from college, Amy and I are very proud of you.
Race for the Douche:
Rob - 88
Kyle - 75
Dalex - 48
A TV show, Film or situation that was not really funny or marginally funny that for whatever reason is much funnier aftwrwards.
You have to watch Portlandia, but it's a laughterwards, so just give it a chance to kick in.
Game 1: Nate 66 vs. Jesse 57 - Nate just pulls out the win this week by scoring almost 1/3 of his points from J. Hill with 20. He also got so help from the fact that Jesse played the Seattle D. for a whopping -2.
Game 2: Anthea 84 vs. Addisson 59 - After backing in to the playoffs Anthea makes short work of Addison with a combo of A.Rodgers 21 and J.Nelson 16. Addisson for his part gets 0 from M.Forte 1 from J.Graham and 2 from A.Cooper.
Kira vs. Nate
Chris vs. Anthea
Saving money with fucking nightmare fuel.
A heartfelt congratulations to Nate, Addisson, and Anthea for clinching the last three spots in the playoffs this year. It came down to the wire but you three were able to pull out just enough wins needed. The end of year standings appear like so:
Saved by the Bell 10-3
Zeke And Destroy 9-4
RUBBED MY JOHNSON RAWL 7-6
Eagles Beatdown Town 7-6
Team Antheaters 6-7
Draft Punk 5-8
Late Bloomer 5-8
Salty Dee 3-10
In the immortal words of T.S. Elliot; this is the way my Fantasy Football season ends, Not with a bang, but with a whimper. A stumble to the finish line in which my last three losses came from a combined 12 points. After this week, I will join the august ranks of previous teams that have utterly and completely shit the bed and with three more weeks of fighting it out with Kyle and Dalex* watching our teams play is such abject torture that it should be considered a fucking war crime.
Speaking of Kyle,[we shit on Kyle a lot but he's taken it all like a champ, way to be a stand-up guy Kyle.] this year we might see our first triple loss. We know for sure that Kyle will be hoisting The Brady on championship night, along with making his debut in The Mankini Car Wash. What remains to be seen is if The Golden Douche will be his as well. Good luck in the playoffs everyone, Bless your hearts.
*for the last 2 years we have had an Alex leave the league, so until Devon pays his dues to play next year, he will henceforth be known as Dalex.
Mankini Bowl Final:
Chris - 1300
Kyle - 1060
Bless your heart
The most Southern 'fuck you' there is. Can be put at the end of a phrase to nullify any cruelty.
That girl is the most fowl mouthed, idiotic, bitch there is, bless her heart.
Oh you need to actually look this up? Bless your heart.
Game 1: Anthea 141 vs. Kyle 50 - In the highest scoring [and lowest scoring] game of the week Anthea cliches a playoff berth with 8 players in double digit points and J.Howard running for 29. Kyle has 7 players under 6 points with the Eagles D. getting 0.
Game 2: Chris 105 vs. Rob 99 - In the closest game of the week both teams have 6 players scoring in the double digits, but the tide turner was Chris with L.Murray who scores 22 and kicks me out of the playoffs.
Game 3: Kira 104 vs. Jesse 74 - Kira wins another in what has become almost expected fashion. 7 games this year have seen her score over 100 points. While for the last 3 games Jesse has not scored over 75.
Game 4: Nate 100 vs. Dalex 74 -Nate gets the win with help from D.Freeman who scores 21, and help from Dalex playing J.Witten who gets 0.
Game 5: Addisson 110 vs. The A.L.T. 93 - Addisson jumps into the playoffs with D.Johnson scoring 29, which is the 8th time this year he has scored over 20. Addisson, I'm glad that you took my advise to heart last time and finally got your shit together.
Fidgit in style bitches.