I feel a little disappointed this week, a little distraught, a little let down even. Everyone did so well that I'm not sure what to write about. You would think that Jesse losing to Kyle would be enough to get the old shit talking juices flowing, but even that game was kept marginally close. It must be Halloween because having every single game decided by 10 points or less is extremely eerie.
I guess I'll just end this column early, say well done to all of you, and let you move on with your lives. It's just not the same feeling today as I sit here contemplating how to best praise your stupid, stupid teams. oh woe is me.
So, lets talk about the Minnesota D. The Minnesota Defense can get fucked by a rusty dildo. I guess after averaging over 9 points a game it was a little to much to ask for 7, 6, or even 5? Nope, -2, that's what I get for being confident and boasting about my team. -2, I forgot that the Fantasy Gods punish hubris.
Chris - 814
Kyle - 684
An older male who hits on or dates younger women.
(Male version of a Cougar)
Looks like Devon hooked himself up with a Dingo
Game 1: Anthea 95 vs. Chris 91 - As the closest game of the week Anthea was able to take Chris down even with M.Ingram scoring -2 by finally getting a great performance from A.Rodgers with 33. Been wait on that one awhile.
Game 2: Nate 113 vs. Addisson 103 - With the highest scoring game of the week Nate combines his Broncos D. 17 and D.Brees 20 into a win over Addisson, who had T.Brady go for 29 but had the Patriots D. fall flat at 1.
Game 3: Kira 97 vs. Devon - Kira is showing that she really doesn't want to lose this year as for the second week in a row 7 of her players score in the double digits, as she gets the win over Devon with a little help from T.Williams with 0.
Game 4: Kyle 90 vs. Jesse 83 - Kyle pulls off the upset this week triumphing over Jesse with an incredible day out of D.Carr with 35. Jesse cant win with J.Lambo getting 0.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 95 vs. Rob 86 - Have I said that Minnesota's D. can get fucked? I did? Just checking. I'll be over here getting my shit together.
Align your fucking chakkras bitch!
Good morning, and happy Tuesday to everyone. I hope everyone had a good week, I know I did. Its amazing how pulling off a difficult win, one you had no right to, makes everything in life feel better. It doesn't matter if I was evading incarceration, as long as my team is scoring points and kicking the shit out of Addison, I'm happy.
So with a big fucking smile on my face, lets make fun of some people! First we have to say happy birthday to Addison. Addison was lucky enough to not only win 100$ from a scratch off, he in turn parleyed that into AMAZING seats at the Dolphins game which they won in a nail biting 4th quarter comeback! AND ITS ALL FUCKING MEANINGLESS BECAUSE YOUR DOGSHIT TEAM CANT SCORE 73 POINTS! The Fantasy gods are laughing at you for starting the Bills D WHILE YOU WERE AT THE GAME! You had to know that wouldn't end well.
Secondly, Chris you better hope that you win the Mankini Bowl because you sure as hell aint wearing the pants in you're relationship right now. Good God man, Kira abused you Chris Brown style on Sunday. The only difference was that we didn't need to wait to see the aftermath.
Chris - 723
Kyle - 594
A friend, maybe a best friend, who you get into trouble with and who is somewhat responsible for your actions.
Dude, Kyle is totally my accountabilabuddy. Good lookin out Kyle.
Game 1: Kira 126 vs. Chris 97 - In the highest scoring game this week, Kira makes her come back. She turned Chris around and shoved 7 players full of double digit points strait up his ass, with M.Gordon running for 29.
Game 2: Rob 72 vs. Addisson 62 - In the lowest scoring game this week I pull out the win with A.Dalton scoring 20. Addisson makes a late rally but cant overcome -5 points from the Bills D.
Game 3: Nate 76 vs. Anthea 75 - The closest game of the week Nate takes down Anthea with help from her J.Nelson at 0 points. As an aside, There is some confusion about tiebreakers in this league. As per the T.S.F.F.L. charter that was printed and distributed:
Game 4: Kyle 90 vs. Devon 88 - Kyle gets his second win of the season, and 2 in a row, after J.Jones does J.Jones things and scores 17. Meanwhile Devon had a chance on Monday night but his Texans D. shits the bed with 0.
Game 5: Jesse 129 vs. The A.L.L 86 - Jesse contiues his domination of everyone tallying his 4 week of over 120 points, helped out by 3 players scoring over 20 and D.Murray scoring 18. At least for this week Jesse, your shit is together.
And we're back baby! I just want to apologize to my millions of fans across the globe for letting you down last week, and I also want to thank all the well wishers, I do this for you. I sat down to write last week but the funnies just wouldn't come, but that's all changed, and ho ho ho, do we have some funny shit to talk about this week.
I think that first we should all congratulate Kyle on getting his first win of the season. It was a long, hard road for you buddy but you finally pulled one out. Its just a shame that you didn't actually, you know, beat anyone, but had to be gift wrapped a win by someone bringing down the league average. Now I wonder who that could be?
What's that now? Time to talk about Anthea's team? Yep, must be time to talk about Anthea's team. 58 points, no matter what else happens this year, that is what you will remember, you scored 58 points in week 6. Your team is truly a masterpiece of ineptitude. I would laugh that your bench out scored your starters, but that overlooks the fact that even if you had played your optimal line-up, you still would have lost by 10. You playing fantasy football is the equivalent of you living in the Harry Potter universe, instead of being a wizard and casting bad-ass spells your a stupid, stupid muggle.
Chris - 626
Kyle - 504
(merf) noun. acronym for Mom I'd Run From. The opposite of a MILF. A mom you definitely would not want to do.
"I don't know where she gets her good looks, her mom is a
Game 1: Addison 120 vs. Jesse 83 - In the highest scoring game this week even with C.Newton scoring 26 Jesse cant overcome Addisson and a combination of T.Brady 27 and D.Johnson 31.
Game 2: Rob 84 vs. Anthea 58 - 58 points Anthea. Wow... just wow.
Game 3: Kira 75 vs. Nate 65 - Nate's scores throughout the last six weeks- 122, 86, 77, 70, 75 [blind squirrel found a nut there huh?], and 65. No jokes, just putting that out there.
Games 4: Chris 118 vs. Devon 91 - Roth Bowl 2016 sees Chris defeat Devon by having a whopping 7 players hit double digit points this week with Gronk leading the pack at 22.
Game 5: Kyle 90 vs. The A.L.T 87 - L.Miller 28 and J.Jones 19 allow Kyle to get his first win of the season by a paltry 3 points. You should be down on your hands and knees thanking Anthea for not knocking you out of playoff contention entirely. *sigh* I guess you have your shit together, I don't really know anymore.
The Boom while you wash your Booty!
Well, Its only week 4 and i believe that we've seen the most exciting games of the season. Three games this week were decided by 10 points or less, with the fourth decided by 12. Watching Kira score her most points of the season only to have Jesse beat her by three, I mean, how excruciating is that? Of course the only game that there was never really any doubt of was Addison playing the A.L.T. but we will get to that in a second.
This week we are going to point our magnifying glass at Devon's team. I say magnifying glass because you would literally need one to see him score points. 61? 61 fucking points D? At this point even Kyle is calling your team a travesty, and come on man, Kyle calling anyone bad is like Jerry Sandusky calling out the Catholic church for pedophilia. Not only is this your third loss in a row, but now your in the top spot to win The Brady, just barley edging out Addison, who's just as bad with 68.
When someone is only a dick to certain people
Anthea: Kyle why does it seem like you're only a dick to me
Kyle: Sorry Anthea, I have Selective Dickism
Game 1: Jesse 125 vs. Kira 122- The highest scoring game this week see both players hitting over 120 points. Jesse gets it started with D.Murray, I.Crowell, and A.J.Green all scoring more than 20. Kira hit back hard with B.Rothlisberger 34 and J.Reed 19. In fact, if she would have played any other defense she would have won, as her Panthers D. goes for -1.
Game 2: Anthea 98 vs. Kyle 89- Anthea's team started out slow this week, but in the last seconds of the early games M.Crabtree goes off for 26. Kyle sure looked like he was going to get his first win of the season after J.Jones gets 36 points, but in true Kyle fashion he drops to 0-4 with C.Sims giving him 0.
Game 3: Nate 70 vs. Devon 61- The lowest scoring game this week allows Nate to squeak out a win with F.Gore and E.Sanders getting 14 and his Broncos D. getting 16 just pulling away from Devon who had only 2 players score more than 10 this week.
Game 4: Chris 100 vs. Rob 88- Chris was leading the entire day as J.Flacco first and then E.Elliot second both score over 20, While the only bright spot on my team was a usual 18 from A.Brown.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 94 vs. Addison 68- Addison falls to the A.L.T. this week with 2 of his players, C.Micheal and the Bengals D. 14, scoring almost half of his entire points. Its tough to win when your kicker get -1. Your week was so bad I don't even know what Gif to use, SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
Back That Ass UP!
What a week! The glory, the heartbreak, the almost incandescent rage of watching your team fail to live up to its potential. Its not every week that you can go into Monday nights game so absolutely certain of the outcome, only to have defeat snatched from the jaws of victory.
Of-fucking-course I'm talking about Kyle. Oh to be a fly on the wall, can you imagine the disgust and inadequacy that he must have been feeling to lose to Kira of all people? I mean, you could pen a Homeric epic on this loss, people years in the future will still be discussing this utter and complete melt down of a team. I would like to think that, as the loss slowly settled into Kyle's mind, in a fit of anger he jumped from his couch, and grabbing 2 massive dildos, the nearest items at hand, proceeded to run down the street smashing mail boxes and threatening palm trees. But this is Kyle, so we all know that he calmly turned off the t.v. went to his room, curled into a fetal position and cried himself to sleep.
In other Loser news [Lews?], the last undefeated team has fallen. Jesse comes back down to earth this week which allows Anthea to just fucking demolish the A.L.T. and Chris takes the lead in the Mankini Bowl.
A shaved scrotum of an adult male.
You can tell Jesse was quite proud of his shavocado as he entered the locker room showers.
Game 1: Rob 129 vs. Nate 77- The highest differential in points this week, I play R.Tannehill 18 and J.Landry 19, but the real stand out is M.Jones scoring an incredible 32. Nate had a good play with D.Brees 25, although he must have been trowing to everyone but B.Cooks 1.
Game 2: Addison 114 vs. Devon 79- Holy shit did Addison's RB's go off. D.Johnson T.Gurley and C.Micheal all score over 20. Devon's A.Robinson puts up a nice 17, but most of his team failed to score over 10.
Game 3: Chris 101 vs. Jesse 86- I'm giving the play of the week to Chris. Who, against all logic, slides T.Pryor into his line up. Turns out he plays both QB and RB and manages to get Chris 23. Jesse drops down to 2-1 with a rather pedestrian performance by C.Newton with 12.
Game 4: Kira 78 vs. Kyle 75- The battle of the last places came down to Monday. It truly looked like no-one wanted to win this game. Kira has C.Hyde score a third of her points with 24 and Kyle has D.Freeman score a third of his points with 26. The decision fell to Kyle's Giants D. with 0.
Game 5: Anthea 141 vs. A.L.T. 92- Anthea goes HAM this week with A.Rodgers scoring 26 and J.Nelson scoring 22, but the show stopper was her Chiefs D with a whopping 32 points. So Anthea, it appears that your shit.... is together!
Suck on this a' one time!
' Week 2 is over and done with, bringing with it some close games and some blowouts. Newcomer Jesse seems to be like a man on fire scoring the most points for two weeks in a row, making him the lone 2-0. On the other side of the fence Kyle drops another game, and Kira continues her streak from last year, both ending up at 0-2.
Now don't get me wrong, I love the game of fantasy football. There is nothing more in this world that I look forward to. The one thing I absolutely hate tho, is leaving points on the board. Having a player on your bench score more than one of your starters, especially when those points could have helped you win, has to be the most frustrating feeling ever. Even after the week is over you question yourself if there was something you should have done differently. Let me give you an example: Lets say you played 3 RB's this week and they got you 1, 7, and 2 points respectively. That would be bad, but what would really hurt is watching 3 RB's on your bench each get 12 point apiece. I mean, there's bad luck, there's neglecting your line up, and then there's playing a team that is the equivalent of a stadium-wide recessive gene. Man, what a dumb motherfucker, I'm glad I'm not him right Kyle?
A euphemistic reference to taking a massive dump. Typically the corn filled variety. But eloquently expresses any act of defecation.
Well I hope everyone enjoyed that Thanksgiving meal. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to work on my corn art. I've got a masterpiece on the way.
Game 1: Jesse 131 vs. Nate 86- Nate's Broncos D put up a good showing as always this week, netting him 23 points, but D.Woodhead gets hurt and only gets him 2. Jesse's team once again goes ape shit with only 2 of his players not scoring double digits and C.Newton leading the pack with 29.
Game 2: Chris 97 vs. Kyle 84- Not much to say about Chris's team this week. All his players did their job and got him decent points with a Cardinals D leading 22. Kyle has apparently decided that he wants to get less than 10 points together from his 3 rb's. with A.Peterson only scoring 1, while his bench scores a total of 36.
Game 3: Anthea 82 vs. Addison 76- This game was tied leading up into the 8:30 Sunday night game. Anthea's J.Nelson pulled out the victory for her with 13 points added to her total. Meanwhile Addison pulls a Kyle, with T.Rawls only getting 1 point and his Jets D getting 0.
Game 4: Rob 93 vs. Devon 88- In a game that seemed much closer than it actually was, Devon's M.Forte scores over 33% of his total points with 28, while I get a lucky break from M.Bennett scoring 17.
Game 5: The A.L.T. 92 vs. Kira 91- Kira finally puts up a respectable amount of points this week. Both E.Decker and L.Blount get 18 points and the Panthers D gets 14. Unfortunately, the A.L.T. just manages to squeak by. So Kira, please, please, please listen when I say this; Get yo Shit Together!
Knife Key, Knife Key, KNIFE KEEEEEEYYY!!
HOLY FUCK BALLS!! I AM PUMPED! Finally, after what seems like an eon, its time for some football! Is it my imagination or does the food taste a little better? The world appear a little more in focus? The shit talking a little less reserved? GODDAMN I FEEL ALIVE!
Maybe its just the fact that almost nothing happened this off season. Lets see the highlights:
A new year is upon us and it brings some new faces with it. Please join me i welcoming our newest league mates Jesse and Nate. You both have now joined one of the most prestigious groups in all the land. A fraternity where the only thing that exceeds its generosity is its acceptance of all peoples regardless of race [Addison], gender [Addison?], or sexual disposition [Fucking Addison]. We've got a ring damn it. So congratulations to you both, we all hope you have a fun year with us.
In other news The Golden Douche is up for grabs again this year, along with a new trophy Ive affectionately dubbed "the Brady", which will be awarded to the team with the lowest one week score. We also will see the first ever Mankini Bowl. Chris and Kyle have bet their starting line up total season points against each other with the loser washing the winners car in a bikini. I can't tell you how much Jesse is looking forward to it. Make sure to leave any comments at the bottom, like us on facebook, 'cause you fuckers will like anything, and in closing:
A form of punishment wherein an employee fucks up beyond the reprimand of a warning and is put on a disciplinary leave of absence with or without pay.
"Where's Kyle this week?" "Oh he opened the store 2 hours late so boss put him on a Shamecation."
Game 1: Jesse 136 vs Rob 108- With the highest scoring team of the week, Jesse goes off with all but 2 of his players putting up double digit points. Leading the charge is A.j.Green with 24, while C.Newton and L.Fitzgerald both put up 20.
Game 2: Devon 109 vs Anthea 87- Devon plays A.Luck who comes back with a vengance to score 35 this week helping out his kicker D.Bailey with 17. Anthea makes a great play with D.Johnson who adds 18, but could not overcome her Cheifs D. with 0.
Game 3: Addison 106 vs Kira 85- Addison gets a stellar performance from C.Hyde with 20, although he didn't need it to defeat Kira. She puts up one of the lowest scores this week with a strange outing from T.Gurley only putting up 4. Its a good thing she added W.Snead with 23 or I think we might have had a week one contender for The Brady.
Game 4: Nate 122 vs Kyle 104- One of the tightest games this week, Kyle was leading all the way up to Monday night when Nate finally chugged ahead [not "a head", haha...alliteration!] and with the help of D.Williams 28 was finally able to put Kyle to bed. Kyle for his part got 25 from S.Ware but it was negated by 0 from C.Fleener.
Game 5: A.L.T. 107 vs Chris- Chris appeared to be sitting pretty after C.J.Anderson ran for 25 points on Thursday, far and away the leader that day. Unfortunately for him only two more of his starters put up points in the double digits, while the A.L.T. [All League Team, name subject to change] gets a total of 107. So I need you to do something Chris, I need you to get your shit together.
WHAT IS GREEN CHECKERED FLAVOR?? THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!